Just Like A Pill

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day.

I'm off for the rest of the year, so I got up, hit the gym, went on a mini-date that didn't lead to sex (can you believe it?) and hung out with family before coming back home to do some late night ab work.

As the year comes to a close, for the first time I started to seriously consider leaving some people behind.

As corny as it sounds and as much as I Hate and I mean HATE when people discuss having certain people in their lives for a season. I'm seriously starting to consider it.

I can name three that I'm going to have to bid adieu as the year comes to a close.

Number one will be "B/D", his name starts with either one of these letters (who knows he lies about so much shit). He's a 33 year-old guy that was in decent shape when we met, but has been getting sloppier ever since.

I met him in February right before I sealed the deal to move home and although I knew nothing substantial would come of knowing him; it was nice to have a default guy that threw sex parties and freak gatherings. He even introduced me to "Q", who I also will be leaving in 2013.

When I started working shortly after moving back, I noticed that he was frustrated that I wasn't around to fulfill his "needs" and starting becoming distant. Follow up texts to him got no response and when he did text me it would always be a "wyd?" at 11pm or later.

I was annoyed, so I stopped responding.  One day I was facebook stalking a gay I know (I tend to watch them from afar) I found out his real name and that he wasn't as masculine as he came off after all. He was an all around fraud that was dragging me further into sexual deviance and risky behaviors; so in the end I moved on

Since I already mentioned him, I'll talk about "Q" next.

I met this poor soul during a sex party at "B/D's" place earlier this year. He was a younger, slim, attractive guy, but he was hooking up with EVERYONE in the house. Bottoming safe and raw, topping raw and sucking off people one after the other.

Watching him turned me off.

I have a thing about seeing attractive people degrade themselves with unattractive guys and indiscriminate sex. It bothers me. It also paints a bigger, uglier picture of the person that I never wanted to see.

However in typical, pity party fashion, I wanted to be "cool" with him.  I ended up hooking up with him separately on a few occasions. He was into everything, even let me make an xtube video of one of our hookups and didn't care. He also was the bottom that gave it up for me when I met "J". Just like "B/D" though, I noticed we never talked unless it was about sex.

Sometimes he wouldn't respond, sometimes he would. Whenever he said was was with "friends", I knew he was talking about sex.

The straw that broke the camel's back with "Q" was a hookup about a month and a half ago in a hotel where he had some random guy come by.  He had been there having sex all day long; I arrived at 10pm. In the middle of fucking, he reached down and grabbed his phone when there was a knock at the door. In came, a visibly older, unattractive guy that was there to "join" the fun. I went to bathroom immediately to wash up and get out when I heard the moans coming from the other room.

He didn't care about anything, but sex and didn't care who it came from. Part of me, saw a bit of myself in him and even worse, if I didn't change my ways, I could end up just like that. All the drugs and alcohol in the world couldn't make me sleep with that guy that walked in and that was the last time I saw "Q".

I text him a "Happy Thanksgiving!" and only got a "were u @" text back asking for dick. It was time to let him go.

The most recent person that's given me a dose of poison was a guy I opened myself up to and told I was writing this blog, "Anchorman".

He's a local TV personality, young attractive and obviously thinks I'm dumber than I am. The first time we met was for an oral/jack off session at his place when he told me his name was Sean. Turns out he was another fuckin' "J/Jay/Jaye".

He had the audacity to leave an Emmy with his real name on it in plain sight when he was going down on me. At that point, I was fed up with lies so I made it the last time I hooked up with him.

I did however remain cordial since he was a young professional guy in the area, I thought he would be someone I had something in common with. The more we chatted the more he lied.

Even up until yesterday I was trying to be cool with him and he asked me to come over and "play". Today he asked me what I was doing. I told him "wrapping presents", he said "come over and jack".

If he would've text me that a month ago, I probably would've been in my car and at his house. Today I can proudly say, I'm a different man.

If I'm going to sleep around, it'll be on my terms, when I want it and with someone I think is worth it.

If I choose to make mistakes, I'll do them because I want to and not because someone is asking.

I heard the Pink song, "Just like a pill" on the way to the store today and it made me think of the pills in my life that were making me ill instead of better all along. Its about time I pour those down the drain and the end of the year is no better time.

- CGN

The Best of You

I was cleaning up my room, checking twitter and instagram this Saturday due to an impending Ice storm, which may or may not be a thing, when two occurances altered my mood.

Feeling upbeat and accomplished, I managed to let a picture on instagram and a song demoralize me.

I was scrolling through tons of selfies, ghetto memes and drunken outings when I saw someone I had a feelings for exchanging Christmas gifts with someone else. It was also that instant when the Foo Fighters classic, "Best of You" was playing on my computer.

Someone I took for granted at first, I started to fancy. Not to mention, I'm sitting at home....alone on a Saturday and they are exchanging Christmas gifts.  

The irony.

For a little background, I'll tell you how I met "B".

It was my senior year of college, I had just gotten out of a tepid relationship a few months prior and was fucking in DC like it was nobody's business. Any and everybody I thought could get the dick was, and "B" was no exception.

I met him on adam4adam after he messaged me while over his friend's place about hooking up. HHe was staying down the street from my school so within minutes I was in the apartment with my clothes off. I was into his body, he was chocolate, muscular and calm about the encounter, so I was comfortable with him.

He was already stripped down to his jockstrap when I got there, I took no time whipping it out and getting a BJ.  A few minutes later after trying to insert myself inside him (he was too tight for my taste) he starting groaning and exclaiming that I had a "monster cock" and couldn't take it.

We ended up doing foreplay until we climaxed and I was on my merry way.

But something about this exchange was different. I'm a firm believer in vibes and I got a good one from him.

We ended up connecting again a few months later, this time at his place in VA and that's when I knew he was special. I NEVER and I mean NEVVVEEERR went to Virginia for anything except a flight from Reagan and here I was traveling for some sex.

We had another failed hookup, but I noticed when I arrived that we had similar tastes in clothing from a quick glance into his closet, he had a similar german car like I did and just seemed to be a put together guy. I was hooked.

We started chatting on and off about work things, personal life and our backgrounds. We didn't see each other everyday or regularly at all, but when we were together (to me at least) the hookups left an impression on me and it felt like we had been around one another all along.

Its kind of like when you have an old friend that you haven't spoken to or seen in a while and when you get back together, its like nothing changed. Its a rare feeling that you just don't get with everyone, especially me, and there I was with it.

He was a great guy. He related to my similar struggles with sexing a lot and we reached a point last winter where I came over his house and we just "chilled" and I mean it in the real sense of the word. Ate dinner, talked, laughed. We even slept in the same bed and nothing happened.

It was the first time in a long time that I had let my guard down completely around someone and thought nothing of it. 

It took almost a year from that day and those sporadic meetings to realize that I liked him. Hell, like. I like him a lot.

The confirmation of those feelings was a visit to him in October in a new city. We didn't have sex, we just hung out like before. But even though we had kept in touch while I was gone from DC, for me, the trip felt weird. There were uncomfortable silences that I never noticed before. I was just in my feelings for no apparent reason.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I left his place and headed back home feeling sort of empty. Like I needed closure. He was unknowingly draining my energy like Madison Montgomery was from Fiona Good on American Horror Story.

He was like the next supreme thing in my life and didn't know it. Shit he probably didn't care because I never said a word and he was basically dating someone else at that point.

I would call him "the one that got away", but I was such a cluster for most of this year and last year that it wouldn't have worked either way. I'm saying that because that's what I think, but not necessarily what I know.

Jazmine Sullivan wrote a song "Lions, Tigers and Bears" about being strong-willed in every arena with the exception of loving someone. Its frightening, its how I felt about telling him and now its too late.

I've got to work on expressing myself even when it feels weird. Its amazing how confident I can be when I'm stripping down in front of complete strangers, but the nakedness in telling someone you're interested scares me more than anything in the world.

He might've thought us fucking a couple times was me giving my all to our friendship, but he had so much more of me and never knew. I wonder why it took me so long to figure it out?

Tonight I could answer every line to that Foo Fighters anthem with "yeah', "hell yeah, "fuckin' right!" (no Drake voice.).

Somebody had really gotten the best of me.

The least I can do is be happy for him, after all he is still my friend. The lesson learned in it all is the next time I feel that unidentified force sucking the life out of me, I won't get tongue tied by insecurity and fear.

- CGN

10 Reason I (you too maybe) Should Stop Watching Porn (Via GQ)

This GQ article on reasons to stop watching porn, really spoke to me. Check it out and see for yourself if you can relate to any of their reasons.

The deviance, continued dissatisfaction in one person, I'd add my experience with the industry myself, but sheesh...I have to write a post about this tomorrow....

I Want You

"Love is on the way
All I got to say
Is it wont let go"

"We can pray to early May
Fast for 30 days
Still It wont let go"

"Got a good book and got all in it
Tried a little yoga for a minute
But it wont let go (oooh)"

"Tried to turn the sauna up hotter
Drank a whole jar of holy water
But it wont let go"

 The Badu song, "I want you", was playing in my car as I left the office today for the last day of 2013.

Having all the "free time" in the world could be a great thing for the right person, and don't get me wrong I love the break, but it provides me with another challenge; to avoid a "relapse".

During my period of "funemployment" and hell my last holiday, when I started this blog, I found no positive ways of expressing myself other than sleeping around for the hell of it.

Granted this was after a period of having no sex for a few months (not because I didn't want to either) and I was in a "new" city, but that certainly doesn't excuse sex on almost the daily with countless people.

To make matters worse, I've found a few potentially cool guys while "diamond mining" on jack'd, but they are surrounded by all of the freshly home for the holidays horny guys that have already tried to get at me.

Just last night, a guy opened his pics and asked me to "cum through" since he was only in town for the night. Hell, TONIGHT I got this:

Smh.

I've made it to day 6 of my 10 agreement not to do anything sexual and the weekend might be a challenge.  I can't shake the feelings of wanting to have sex or be physical with someone.

Like Badu said, "I got a good book, started writing, made a bet, but it won't let go".  I even went against my better wishes and looked at porn (I have to do something right?) but I can't shake the feelings.

I want sex sans the feelings afterwards. If bad habits die hard, my dick is on brick and he ain't going no where.

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit and 21 to break one. I've been fucking tons of guys for years, but I'm definitely up for challenge.

- CGN

Umi Says...No More Porn

As I approach day 5 of my "no sex" agreement, I thought I would find myself passing the time with porn. Since I'm not getting any, I could at least be wacking and jacking away to the latest flick on the internet somewhere.

But I find myself not doing it.

Was I just not in the mood over the weekend, too tired from the week or just lacking the time?

Truth is. Its became bigger than that for me and has been getting bigger for me for some time.

On Sunday in the middle of watching a movie over a friend's house, I got a text from a guy that "starred" in a film for a studio (I won't name) asking me how I've been. Since I've been great and have no complaints I echoed that sentiment through the text and asked him the same question.

"Just tryin to surive...I've been so much better but imma have to make it thru," was his response.

I was in a good mood and I wasn't sure if I was prepared to deal with someone else's tragedy at the moment, so I just left it at that and didn't respond.

I'll refer to this guy as "D".

I met him earlier this summer in a fit of hormone driven insanity. It was a late night and I text a "friend" about his plans (meaning who he was fuckin' for the night, and could I maybe join in). He told me he was going to a hotel room to hook up with a bottom that wanted a few tops to bang him out and I said I would join the fun.

When I got there, there was a mildly attractive guy on all fours giving a blowjob to an attractive brown skinned, well-endowed guy and the room smelled liked poppers (I HATE THOSE). It was 2 am and I didn't drive so I figured "what the hell", stripped down and joined in.

After we finished and were getting ready to the leave, the top that was there when we walked in asked if we could hang out some time.

Dammit, it happened again. Meeting someone from some bizarre fuckfest. Me being heavily into those sort of "situations", I gave him my number. He looked familiar, but I couldn't figure out from where.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, the guy asked me to come pick him up to go freak at some other guys house. UHHH NEGATIVE. I learned my lesson about that before....just thinking about it makes me sick.

So I said no. Besides...how did you get to the hotel? Somebody picked you up? You're almost 30, like wtf?

Instead of hooking up, I went online to jackoff and who do I see when I scroll to the second page? "D".

He did porn.

Now this isn't the first, or second (hell or 3rd), porn actor that I've slept with and found out after the fact (one of which I was privy to his line of work and pursued him anyway), but I started connecting some tragic life dots.

This man is in his late 20's, does porn, has no car, bounces from place to place and admires the XXX industry for...boosting him to "fame"?

His plight not only made the situations involving him more unappealing, it turned me off from the porn industry altogether.

Its a machine. An old, big grimy machine that has its cogs greased by young people seeking validation in their desperation. It takes everything from them and leaves them used, overworked and in the same tragic positions they entered it with if not worse.

I used to check out the blog, TLS, a ethnic porn centric blog that has castigating remarks from internet trolls about "stars" they don't know, but also don't like for whatever reason. Its like a hub for myvidster comments, some of which are funny, but the majority are sad.

Exposing people's secrets, their personal histories and for what? Just to say you know them?

The worst part about those trolls is that they are watching the porn FOR FREE!

They participate in the vile degradation of the actors by not paying and furthering their path into the industry and mocking them in the process.

Its sick.

I admit that I have watched myvidster, but not once have I written a comment. If I'm going to watch something for free, I'll appreciate it and keep it moving.

The comments however distracted me over and over, eventually, to the point I was turned off from it.

I ended up buying a seldomly used membership to porn site and canceled it a week later.

When I got that text from him, it reminded me that those actors are people. People that were taken advantage of and exploited with the promise of something more.

That my friends is something I cannot take part in.

When City High asked "What Would You Do?", I would have to go with NOT pursuing a job in that industry that leads to poverty, drugs, disease and escorting for so many, but I also won't judge them for their decisions, but I cannot support it any further.

Until then, keep the vines and homemade anonymous movies coming, I've come to like my smut with a little integrity behind it.

- CGN

I’m A Flirt

Other than being scared shitless by an article this morning about drug-resistant MRSA, Staph infection (scary right?), this has been a pretty solid week thus far.

Went to a great concert, got to talk with some friends and work is going well. I haven’t even had sex or tried to since last Friday so that’s a step too.  I even made a bet with this guy that I wouldn’t have any intimate contact for at least 10 days in exchange for a flight to New York (good deal huh lol?)

In our agreement, no sex will consist of: touching, penetration, oral, foreplay - nothing

What we didn’t discuss was a nasty habit I have; flirting. Although I don’t consider flirting as a form of cheating in this bet, if I told you about some of my methods…you might be disturbed.

I’ve managed to avoid adam4adam completely, be just cordial on jack’d (even though I found the guy from last week’s foursome on there) and haven’t even text a “buddy” in days; small steps, but steps to say the least.

However, last weekend a friend of mine asked me did I have a vine. Now I don’t live under a rock, I’ve heard about the joys of this vine porn, but I’ve managed to resist mainly because I can just do instead of watch. Saturday, though, I gave in.

I made one and spent about a half an hour watching 6 second porn clips from people all over the country and starting uploading my own. The attention, which is what I do most of my exhibitionist behavior for, felt great.

I moved from vine to sharing porn vids in my phone with random people (man I need self-control).  Before I knew it I was doing that old “cyber flirting” thing that has consistently landed me in hot water.

Call it a form of “liquid courage”, but I have an issue conversing with other gay men without becoming sexual and overly flirtatious. Sometimes initiated by me and sometimes by them, but I never resist. It becomes my time to shine, so I do it.

I wonder if I’ll get to a point where I can control this behavior. I mentioned in previous post on how I managed to resist the flirting urge face-to-face, but the online thing is challenge.

Maybe I’ll really have to give some of those avenues up for good. I like facebook and twitter though, they’re tools for meeting people so I won’t give them up.

Just have to start using them the right way.

- CGN

The Prayer

The song playing at the end of the American Horror Story this week, (you know the one when Queeny was shot by the Witch Hunter?), has been stuck in my head since I heard it.

The song "Oh, Freedom", a civil rights anthem sang by the Golden Gospel Singers with the lyrics:

"And Before I'll be a slave
I'll be buried in my grave
And Go to My Lord
And Be Free"

It spoke to my soul, not because of the connection to the civil rights era and progress in Black America, but it shed a light on my current situation.

Addiction is a form of mental slavery. The shackles, whether they be personal validation, fulfillment or escapism, may have been given to you by life's experiences, but they can be broken.

Mine, which happens to be a form of sexual ADHD, formed by a desire to belong to a community and connect with people like myself mixed with my belief that my worth is in the physical, has enslaved me long enough.

I've stunted my growth in forming relationships and meaningful friendships long enough. Its just time for a shift.

Earlier this year I faced a near death experience and in my darkest hour, I told myself I would change. That I would stop living for the moment and start living for the future.  I promised God that, if given the chance, I would hone my gifts to make this world a better place and love myself the way my family, friends and maker has time and time again.

In the words of fellow lover of the written word and published author Erma Bombeck:

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

I had a fulfilling conversation this evening about learning to look at my life differently and this blog has helped me steer away from some major distractions, which I am proud of.

I was almost buried in my grave earlier this year, still a slave to this destructive pattern in my life. I can confidently say that I'm turning a corner and not just keeping my promise to God, but to myself to maximize my potential and approach my life holistically, honestly and fill it with love.

As the final days of 2013 come to a close, I'm excited about the next steps in this journey called life will bring me in the new year.

- CGN

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/ermabombec106409.html#QLVPJzASEVcJUS0z.99

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/ermabombec106409.html#QLVPJzASEVcJUS0z.99

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/ermabombec106409.html#QLVPJzASEVcJUS0z.99

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/ermabombec106409.html#QLVPJzASEVcJUS0z.99

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/ermabombec106409.html#QLVPJzASEVcJUS0z.99

Do What You Want, What You Want With My Body

Someone read my latest post, about forming friendships through sex, and alerted me that they found some of the acts I described to be "disgusting".

Granted group sex, water sports, cum swapping and etc. aren't very kosher or widely accepted (I don't think), but it sheds some light on the age old question; what is a freak?

I've been asked "are you a freak?", "how freaky are you?" and other variations of the question and my response is always the same; I'm down for anything (EXCEPT BOTTOMING, NO SIR. MY HOLE IS EXIT ONLY).

The truth is I think that's what the definition of a freak is. Someone who is uninhibited, won't be a kill joy when someone else is getting off during sex, no matter what they are doing.

Granted I'm not INTO everything, I might not find it to be pleasurable and it might be gross, but its all subjective depending on who you have sex with.

I'm into making videos and a lot of people find that to be taboo, but they do it to please me. I consider those people freaks. Anyone that takes that chance to please the other person to the full extent of their wants during sex.

Last night, I allowed myself to do some things I wouldn't suggest doing and normally aren't into, but for the sake of the group, I did them. I just feel like hookups are like any other opportunity; once they knock you never know when they'll knock again, so make it count.

Do it all, push your limits (safely of course), but have fun.

Anyone that has had sex with me, whether they have been a repeat customer or one night stand will tell you that I'm a freak. Do I publicly walk around broadcasting it no, but its something I will show behind closed doors.

One day when I'm in a relationship, with someone who has a little freak in them at least (I have no room for prudes), those activities will be limited to a single person.

I'm glad to say I'm working toward that and curbing my behaviors thanks to this blog. I've managed to think about what I want and avoid pursuing sex, something I used to live to do.

As for those pursuing me....I still have some trouble saying no..as you can probably tell.

So if I happen to hookup, or any of you, I encourage you to explore your sexuality more. You never know what you like until you try it. Just take on the mantra R. Kelly and Gaga sang about:

"Do what you want, what you want with my body."


- CGN

Apple Tree

Last night started out as an innocent gathering for a new "friends" birthday. I showed up fashionably late after taking forever to get dressed and having to stop for gas for the umpteenth time this week.

Granted it was a house party, but seeing that I only knew two people there (the couple throwing the party who I met...well...let's just say we "know" each better than we know each other) I wanted to look presentable for once, so I took some time putting on clothes.

When I arrived, I was greeted by the boyfriend of the birthday guy and this guy I'd been chatting with on jack'd that I never followed through on hooking up with (one of those unsigned contracts) and the person I least expected to see, "J".

The second we made eye contact, my soul shuddered.

I was embarrassed, ashamed and a little angry for feeling the way I did. I think it was the fact I wrote about him and allowed myself to be vulnerable in my thoughts. Having someone I identified as a personal point of weakness in my face was a lot.

So I walked into a corner and sat in front of the TV playing Beyonce's latest videos not saying anything to anyone, pretending to be busy (what would we do without cell phones?).

The more social boyfriend, the versatile power bottom I've bred a few times, walked over and started to strike up small conversation.

I asked him who he knew in the room and he started naming people. When he got to "J" he said that was his "gay son".

I'm sorry...what?

Not only was that his "gay son", he said that I already knew him casually. I knew what that meant, but I tried to play it off. He smiled and told me that he knew because they talked about me. (what did they say? I never found out and not because I failed to ask).

So I grabbed another beer and began talking with a few guys in the room. That odd feeling of indifference that only gay men can emit when they are around one another was starting to wear down on my social abilities as the night went on, so I ended up talking to someone older (than me) and unattractive (to me).

I often find comfort in gay settings around the "ugly ducklings" and stragglers because I feel like they're the least judgemental. Usually coming to those gatherings alone because I'm "quasi-out", I also end up being an outcast in a way.

I'm starting to think me associating the shared solitude with "ugliness" is also why I perceive myself the same way. Oh well, maybe I need more exposure to purely social settings to figure out if that's the case.

As the night came to a close two things happened.

First, "J" approached me and explained why he was so cold towards me the night on Thanksgiving and something changed.

I humanized him.

We happen to work for the same company in different roles and him telling me he was acting like that because of the guy he brought, combined with the fact that an obviously promiscuous raw sex loving freak had taken him under his wing as his "gay son", made me look at him differently.

I suddenly felt like "J" was the way he is by nurture and that could change. I certainly won't be the Iyanla in his life, but I started to see.

Second, there was an attractive younger guy floating around the apartment the appeared to be alone. He was brought to my attention by a man in his early 30's that told me to "watch" my surroundings and "pay attention". I didn't know if he knew that I knew the couple from fucking them (he probably did, who didn't?) or if he was trying to be nosy, but it set an alarm off in my head.

I knew how this couple got down and I'm sure everyone in the room knew the same thing. Was he hinting that there was going to be some big orgy?

God NO, I thought.

I really came with the innocent intention of meeting people and celebrating a birthday.

Nonetheless, when the party cleared out and the last guy said bye, I noticed that the younger, chocolate guy was gone, but his shoes were there. The couple was also gone and their bedroom door was closed. I walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and knew I had a decision to make.

I was at a crossroads; fuck with the group or head home. The decision was in my hands, but in a way I felt like it wasn't.

I felt that if I left I'd be in someway ruining his birthday and ending this "relationship" as soon as I got it moving. Then if I stayed, they'd still view me as one of their "toys".

I knew that they had been doing this group thing for years. Hell almost every guy I've met here "knows" them; and I'm not talking from getting a cup of joe.

So I played it safe. I inched toward the bedroom door and to confirm what I knew they wanted, the door flung open as I reached for the handle. So I walked in and stripped.

The other younger guy was really hung (I'm talking long and thick, so I knew they'd love that. A real 9.5 inches on a ruler; so I knew they'd love that). I started letting him blow me while one of them was riding his dick. Then in the middle of my licking the ones nipples, I was tapped on my back to do the visitor.

I thought he was a top, but he was verse and had a great body so I dived in. All three of us fucked him and it was good. From being too drunk, my performance wasn't quite the same so I told them I had to pee. Then the unthinkable happened.

I knew the social boyfriend was freaky. We had exchanged xxx movies before and talked about what we were into , but nothing prepared for what happened next.

As I got up, the birthday boy said "get it baby" and just like that, he followed me to the bathroom and asked for some water sports play. (not to distract from the point of this post, I won't go into detail...let's just say I "filled" him up).

After everyone came with the exception of the "bday boy", I walked into the room after taking my "ho bath" and saw the three of them spooning together. I kind of wanted to join in, but I really had to get home. It was late and a snowstorm was coming, plus I wanted my bed.

So I got dressed in silence and was walked out by the boyfriend I'd piss played with.

The ride home was painful.

The feelings of disgust and personal failure came over me. I almost wanted to cry, but what for? I did this, why regret it?

The sex was good, but I felt like an outsider again. Like I exploited myself in the name of making "friends".

Then the Badu song, "Appletree" came on my shuffle and the lyrics spoke to me:

"See I picks my friends like I pick my fruit
& Ganny told me that when I was only a youth"

"I don't go 'round trying to be what I'm not
I don't waste my time trying ta get what you got"

"I work at pleasin' me cause I can't please you
and that's why I do what I do"


Then it hit me; that's not the only way to make friends and I shouldn't use sex as a catalyst for forming relationships. I have way more to offer.

Before having the foursome, I was talking to people and they seemed sort of receptive and that they liked me, so why do that? I had to find value in myself and choose wisely who I decided to make my "friends".

I thought of "J", the gay son that was a sex toy at some point and became a friend. Then probably the other countless people that slept with them and I decided that I am going to take a different road.

I made my first step down it this morning when I looked at my phone and saw a "let's chill" text from a "friend" and confidently said no thanks.

- CGN

20 Feet Tall

Last night was pretty awkward.

I stayed up too late watching American Horror Story, since I missed the first airing, then decided to eat a big ass bowl of Qdoba which gave me a strange sense of energy. In minutes I was horny, so I went on myvidster.

Bad idea.

The videos made me want sex. (I know…I know) I just hooked up last night (sort of), but the porn had me craving the real thing.

In the middle of watching bam bam fuck Lil’ Jody (where do they come up with these names?), I was interrupted with a text from a guy I used to hook up with I lived in DC. Feeling “festive”, I sent him a “feature film” in my phone and he responded by telling me he had sex earlier that day and was also watching porn.

Something about that exchange didn’t sit right with me.

I was frustrated that I was awake that late, upset that I couldn’t hookup and still horny; part of me was even angry. Angry about what though?

Then, while laying down in the dark, I took a trip down memory lane with a guy I’ll refer to as “baby face”.

I met him 3 years ago in DC while hunting for sex on adam4adam. He was cute, had a nice body,(that’s all that really matters at night right?) so of course I was down to fuck.

I drove to his house and the situation, as usual, felt a little awkward.

It was dark, the TV was on, we were having strange small talk without making eye contact with one another before going to his room where we….made out?

He started sucking me off and teasing me with foreplay, but refused to bottom.

WTF?! I thought. He knew what I was coming over for right?

Frustrated and slightly confused, I told him “I’d see him later” and got dressed to meet up with someone that was going to give me the “real deal”.

Something was different about him so that became the first time I followed through on one of my “I.O.U.’s” and looking back I don’t regret it.

He turned out to be a great guy.

I spent the next couple of times meeting up with him exclusively for sex, sometimes 1-on-1; sometimes more, but eventually we started talking.

He expressed to me that he was looking for more than sex, but due to the encounters we had time and time again, I just wasn’t interested. Its not that he isn’t or wasn’t a good guy, wasn’t attractive or didn’t have much to offer. He just gave it away to easily and met me at my darkest place.

Last night, I realized that me and “babyface” have more in common than the nights, days and mornings we spent fucking. We had the same sickness in the head that I haven’t been able to shake; the desire to cultivate more with someone when the initial contact was sex.

The treatment I dished out on him, unintentionally, brought the same karma back on myself with the same austerity.

What is up with gays looking for love in all the wrong places?

Why do we as a community feel like sex is something that can form a bond beyond the physical moment? Why does it work for some and not for others and, lastly, why do we want more from some people after sex than others?

For the life of me I could never understand him when he told me he liked me or I was “perfect”. It annoyed me and made me not want to be around him, which spaced our encounters months apart and kept my texts to him emotionally empty.

It wasn’t that he was a bad person or I wasn’t interested in him, he just reminded me of a side of myself that I hated. I couldn’t tear myself in two, but I could definitely avoid him. So I did it.

As painful as it may have been to him, I hope he can relate. I hope he can find the time to read this, digest it and understand my actions.  Realize that we both have to get off our knees after being knocked down and own the fact that we have so much more to offer than a one night stand. Badu said it best:

“My love what did I do
to make you fall so far from me?”

“And now I can recall
Cause of the fall selective memory”

“Then you, you built a wall
a 20 foot wall so I couldn’t see”

“But if I get off my off my knees
then I might recall I’m 20 feet tall”

You’re bigger than that “babyface”; you always were. If you can’t see it, at least look up to grab my hand so we can stand up together and support each other along the way.

-       -   CGN

Learning To Say NO

Tonight I fucked up.

If you count Sunday as the beginning of this week, then that makes two fuck ups and its only Tuesday.

Sunday I interrupted watching a movie with my sister to go have a threesome with a friend of mine. Unbeknownst to me, the botttom he invited over (who I had fucked before) brought ANOTHER bottom. (There goes my goal of keeping my "number" down). The "more the merrier" was the excuse I used to justify sleeping with both guys, so my friend and I took turns topping to tight bodied bottoms for over two hours.

I crept back in my house and my sister ironically asked me, "did you have a booty call? That was a long trip to CVS."

I brushed off the remar because I could sense the humor behind it, but she was completely oblivious to the fact that she was right.

What is my problem? Why didn't I turn that down?

Before I had time to let that set it, I had to slide off to bed to catch enough sleep for work the following morning.

Monday went by beautifully. I managed to get some work done,interviewed a source, hit the gym and had quality time watching a show with family. No harm, no foul.

Then today happened.

Oddly enough it started off as an innocent sort of routine Tuesday. I went to work, planned on hitting the gym and relaxing like Monday; but none of that happened.

I found out my aunt, who recently relocated for work, was in town for the day, so I had to go see her.  So no gym, just back in my car and over to visit family for a minute before a work out.

That also didn't happen.

I sat with my grandmother for nearly two hours before she showed up and was relaxing the whole time. She walked in with a bright smile and the energetic greeting she always has and things felt normal after a relatively mild Thanksgiving; I was glad to see her.

Not an hour after she was there, I was hit with deja vu.

In the exact same spot, I was in on Thanksgiving (on my aunt's couch), I got a text from my friend from Sunday night that had three pictures of a bottom we "had" to do tonight.

I was hesitant at first because my phone was dying and my aunt was only going to be here for a few hours, but like I did on Thanksgiving and Sunday night; I prioritized a hookup over something valuable.

So I went home to charge my phone and when I got there, I saw a text from my friend saying the bottom was playing games. (Are you shitting me? I could've stayed?!)

Annoyed, I said I understood and just continued talking to my friend out in the DMV, over the phone, about his issues dealing with a nutty guy. A few minutes later, we decided the hookup was on and I hopped in my "ho-mobile" and drove to the bottom's place.

When we walked in the door, the same familiar uncomfortable tension was in the air on the walk to the bedroom. It was dark, cold and distant, but we were here to do what we were going to do, so we had to make haste.

I tried to be friendly with the guy, but he rejected my initial icebreaker by telling me to strip. After seeing me nude he said, "oh great, just making sure." (Did you think I was going to be a catfish? you prick)

He then informed me he wasn't into oral of any kind and didn't bother getting physical with myself or my friend. We were just in 16 degree weather, walking through snow, your apartment is cold and you won't touch us? So ya'll can imagine what we looked like below the waist in those conditions.

So I made an attempt to start the mood, by tearing open the magnum wrapper and lubing him up. That's when he said, "that's way too much lube and your not hard enough to get it in."

Irritated, and still cold, I hopped up and let me friend open him up. Watching the silhouette of my friend's chocolate, lean body hump on his lighter plump ass, I got hard and took a dive in.

After a couple pumps, he told me "it hurt" and he moved to take me out of him. I knelt over him for a second puzzled before trying again. After trying to arch his back, he told me "I went too deep" so I hopped up and let my friend at him again; this time he rolled onto his back.

Moments after my friend dug him out on this back, I was ready to switch when he said "you're too big, I can't take anymore."

I was pissed.

I walked into his dirty bathroom without saying a word, took a "ho bath" in the sink and got dressed to leave.

After trying to salvage the situation with a few words about his background, that fell on deaf ears, we grabbed our "supplies" and left.

On the ride home I was infuriated. He wasted my time, my gas and couldn't even take dick; then it hit me.

It wasn't his fault that I did those things (except his poor bottoming skills), it was mine.

I had a choice to make and I decided to put sex over bonding with people that I cared about.

Thanksgiving, this past Sunday and tonight weren't my first times doing that either.

I remember being in college and showing up late to a friends birthday gathering because I wanted some ass. Last summer, I left a friend hanging for brunch because I was hooking up 10 miles away when I said I was "almost there". I even was almost late to my cousin's graduation this summer because I was too busy fucking two racist white guys with a top I didn't even know.

The bottom line is I need to learn to say no.

Sure I've made progress with this blog by not actively SEEKING sex, but that doesn't excuse engaging in it because its offered. Everything dangled in front of you isn't meant to be taken and everyone doesn't deserve to experience my body.

I've gotta find that value for myself.

If I don't I'll just stay on the hamster wheel of fucking over and over by making excuses for why the next time will be different.

- CGN

The Plight of Being Single During “Cuffing Season”

It started snowing out here on Thanksgiving, and that first snow was symbolic to me for two reasons. It was the night that I decided that I was going to make a change in my life and starting blogging and it also marked the beginning of good ‘ol cuffing season.

For all of you that don’ t know, “cuffing season” is the time of the year when people jump into relationships to avoid going out and having “fun”. Fall and winter are the optimal times to do this  because noticeably less people hit the bars and clubs to avoid going out in the cold.

Granted I’m trying to find the root of my hypersexuality and promiscuity, and I must admit that I am making strides in that direction. However, that doesn’t mean that I still don’t get horny.

Sure I can go online and watch porn, maybe watch some of the ones I’ve made in the past, but dammit I still want the real thing. So I see no issue with sleeping with someone that I’ve already slept with in the past, that’s not whoring, that’s just furthering a “bond” (for a lack of better words).

Its safer (in theory) and it keeps my “number” down, so what’s so wrong with that?

My issue with cuffing season in general, and this year in particular, is the fact that all of the people that have helped me explore my sexuality are now “dating”.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why can’t they be in love? Why are you so bitter?”

The truth is, I’m not. These are people that I know, and when I tell you I KNOW, live for sex; they revel in it. Not just with me or one-on-one either, they love to sleep around and take their sexuality to the limits.

I’ll tell you about two.

Number  1, was a “verse top” I met in September that I’ve topped 4 times before. Each time, he took it like a pro and twice let me get him on film (he’s that kind of freak). The last time we hooked up, he invited me to a house where he had already been getting dicked down by two other guys and was lending his top talents to an older guy that owned the house.

So I figured he was a freak. Someone I could count on to help me “relieve some stress” when I needed to. Wrong.

I text him about 2 weeks ago asking what he was up to and he asked for a pic. Annoyed, but horny, I obliged. I was greeted by a “nice dick, send me a face pic” response and an alarm went off in my head. “Did he get a new number?” Nope.

Turns out someone was using his phone that was claiming to be his boyfriend.

Now before you beat me up for this, I don’t know about you guys, but WHO jumps into a relationship days and I mean DAYS after slobbing down and bottoming for 3 different guys in one night and sleeps with someone on a weekly basis with no strings attached?!  WHO?!

That wasn’t the end of my plight.

Guy number 2, a guy I met earlier in the summer during a group setting that involved 7 guys and he was the only bottom, spent the past weekend ignoring me. Granted we had just hooked up Thursday, but I wanted to just say hey. (I’m not always about sex).

Today, I was browsing facebook and I come across that same bottom’s picture on a mutual friend’s page and what do you know. HE’S IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Just like that, out of the blue, dating. IN LOVE. Making statuses about missing his “boo” on Wednesday, but had me splitting him open on his couch last Thursday.

I’m shocked.

Now in these situations maybe the guys could’ve always been talking to their new boos, or hell, always been in a relationship, but live to cheat.

I don’t know, I just don’t want that sort of imagery in my head for my future relationship. Dating as a young man is already dismal and I don’t need further confirmation that its impossible to find someone that’s honest and open to monogamy.

So instead I’ll blame it on cuffing season, leave it at that and leave them alone.

I won’t delete their numbers though, winter is only a few months long and who knows when they’ll get that itch that I don’t mind scratching again.

-CGN

The Otherside Of The Game

In a lot of my posts, I realize that I’ve made myself seem like I’m always the victim. Getting lied to, led on and being taken advantage of.  Well I’m here to tell you, that’s hasn’t always been the case. I’ve had my fair share of times where I’ve been the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

To paint a picture of my past indiscretions, I’m going to tell you guys about a time where I sought someone out and ended up leading them on unintentionally. As a play on his name and for sheer irony because he’s so hairy, I’ll refer to him as “Gillette”. 

I met first found “Gillette” on BGC in 2010 (remember that? Before you had to PAY to respond to messages?) and he was a student at my school.  I’d never seen him before I was browsing the site, but he caught my eye because in typical “me” fashion I wanted to get my dick wet, and I’m not talking about from taking a jog around the reservoir.

He came off relatively indifferent at first and we had a LOT of back and forth, “hey how was your day? Good u?” (that annoying small talk before someone musters up the courage to break the ice and state their purpose). We ended up moving the conversation from there to yahoo messenger (what was I thinking?) and sporadically kept in contact with the aimless check ins.

It wasn’t until after I graduated that I decided to move in the direction I was trying to go in.
It was the summer of 2011 after a trip to an amusement when I hit him up and let him know that I was back in DC and wanted to see him. FINALLY, he gave me his address and let me drop by. When I got there, being “quasi-out”, I was hesitant to let him roommates see me because they were gay and living out loud with it, so I crept into his bedroom and stretched out across the bed.

We talked for a minute about something that was on TV, then I did what guys had done to me; say as little as possible waiting for something to pop off.

Whether it was an acquired behavior or I was being was naturally a douche, I don’t know; but I was doing it.
After about 30 minutes of telling him enough, but not too much, we started fooling around. To my dismay we only did a little foreplay and I ended up killing the mood by sucking on his nipples too hard and pulling one of the bars of his nipples rings out (he wasn’t bleeding FYI it was just in loose). I was sort of disgusted by the piercings to begin with so that sent my erection back to flaccid. I told him I would be “in touch” and walked out.

Later that night, I ended up finding somebody on jack’d to take care of my blue balls (don’t remember who it was, not that it matters anyway).

A few weeks went by and in the middle of hunting for sex online, I thought of him. “OH, ‘Gillette’!” I wondered if he was in the mood for some play. With no intentions of wasting time, I told I was I wanted to fuck and asked if he was down. He gave me the green light and I hopped in the “ho-mobile” and drove to his humble abode.

This time he’d moved to a different house and had a basement apartment all to himself, so it was perfect for some “discreet” bump-n-grinding. I ended up stripping down without saying a word, shoving my face into his hairy ass, strapping up and ramming myself into him. Now at the time, it seemed like a good idea, so I pounded him out like a jackrabbit, got dressed and left, but I had an ill feeling about it afterwards.

I text him the next day out of guilt and he messaged me saying I could over. “Redemption” I thought. So I threw some clothes on with the intention of just seeing what he was about.

From that night on things were different and I started to develop some feelings for him.
He was the first guy that I talked to that was around my age and I found him to be interesting (whatever that means).
It didn’t take me long to notice that I was always going over to HIS house, having lots of sex with HIM (and everyone else in the DMV), meeting HIS friends, but I wasn’t opening the door for him to come into my life.

A part of me felt like I didn’t really mesh with him, but instead of being upfront, I told him what he wanted to hear to make it work.

When he would ask “do you like me?” I’d say yes without taking into account what that really meant. I’d even find myself acting different around him when I saw him in public out of a shameful attempt to be “discreet”, but was game for coming over to smoke, watch TV and fuck his brains out behind closed doors.

The deceptive behavior was killing me, so in the end I just took a hiatus from the situation.

I continued tumbling down the whore-filled rabbit hole and eventually realized when I stopped hitting him up, he did the same with me.

Did he pick up on my shallow attempts at getting to know him? Did he also have lukewarm feelings about me?

After all we spent most of our time talking about “gay” things and having sex, leaving me feeling left out of the conversation. As a defensive mechanism, I started to give him the “DC” treatment; only talking about my job, how much money I made and anything that would further separate us, spin us back around and crash into one another like two magnets playing a game of ‘chicken’.

I wrote this to say sorry “Gillette” for ignoring your feelings as a way of protecting myself. I want to own up the the fact that I was the one being a coward for not being open when you gave me the opportunity, and apologize for making you my “third beer” as Toni Morrison so eloquently put it:

“She (he) was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?”

In hindsight, I can own up to the fact that I was wrong and appreciate that after following up with him months later, we still keep in touch to this day.

I learned how to be direct, say what I mean and how I feel. It may have taken a few bites from that old bitch karma for me to realize I was wrong, but I’m glad we’ve managed to move past that and I’m proud to call you friend.

-    CGN