In a lot of my posts, I realize that I’ve made myself seem like I’m always the victim. Getting lied to, led on and being taken advantage of. Well I’m here to tell you, that’s hasn’t always been the case. I’ve had my fair share of times where I’ve been the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
To paint a picture of my past indiscretions, I’m going to tell you guys about a time where I sought someone out and ended up leading them on unintentionally. As a play on his name and for sheer irony because he’s so hairy, I’ll refer to him as “Gillette”.
I met first found “Gillette” on BGC in 2010 (remember that? Before you had to PAY to respond to messages?) and he was a student at my school. I’d never seen him before I was browsing the site, but he caught my eye because in typical “me” fashion I wanted to get my dick wet, and I’m not talking about from taking a jog around the reservoir.
He came off relatively indifferent at first and we had a LOT of back and forth, “hey how was your day? Good u?” (that annoying small talk before someone musters up the courage to break the ice and state their purpose). We ended up moving the conversation from there to yahoo messenger (what was I thinking?) and sporadically kept in contact with the aimless check ins.
It wasn’t until after I graduated that I decided to move in the direction I was trying to go in.
It was the summer of 2011 after a trip to an amusement when I hit him up and let him know that I was back in DC and wanted to see him. FINALLY, he gave me his address and let me drop by. When I got there, being “quasi-out”, I was hesitant to let him roommates see me because they were gay and living out loud with it, so I crept into his bedroom and stretched out across the bed.
We talked for a minute about something that was on TV, then I did what guys had done to me; say as little as possible waiting for something to pop off.
Whether it was an acquired behavior or I was being was naturally a douche, I don’t know; but I was doing it.
After about 30 minutes of telling him enough, but not too much, we started fooling around. To my dismay we only did a little foreplay and I ended up killing the mood by sucking on his nipples too hard and pulling one of the bars of his nipples rings out (he wasn’t bleeding FYI it was just in loose). I was sort of disgusted by the piercings to begin with so that sent my erection back to flaccid. I told him I would be “in touch” and walked out.
Later that night, I ended up finding somebody on jack’d to take care of my blue balls (don’t remember who it was, not that it matters anyway).
A few weeks went by and in the middle of hunting for sex online, I thought of him. “OH, ‘Gillette’!” I wondered if he was in the mood for some play. With no intentions of wasting time, I told I was I wanted to fuck and asked if he was down. He gave me the green light and I hopped in the “ho-mobile” and drove to his humble abode.
This time he’d moved to a different house and had a basement apartment all to himself, so it was perfect for some “discreet” bump-n-grinding. I ended up stripping down without saying a word, shoving my face into his hairy ass, strapping up and ramming myself into him. Now at the time, it seemed like a good idea, so I pounded him out like a jackrabbit, got dressed and left, but I had an ill feeling about it afterwards.
I text him the next day out of guilt and he messaged me saying I could over. “Redemption” I thought. So I threw some clothes on with the intention of just seeing what he was about.
From that night on things were different and I started to develop some feelings for him.
He was the first guy that I talked to that was around my age and I found him to be interesting (whatever that means).
It didn’t take me long to notice that I was always going over to HIS house, having lots of sex with HIM (and everyone else in the DMV), meeting HIS friends, but I wasn’t opening the door for him to come into my life.
A part of me felt like I didn’t really mesh with him, but instead of being upfront, I told him what he wanted to hear to make it work.
When he would ask “do you like me?” I’d say yes without taking into account what that really meant. I’d even find myself acting different around him when I saw him in public out of a shameful attempt to be “discreet”, but was game for coming over to smoke, watch TV and fuck his brains out behind closed doors.
The deceptive behavior was killing me, so in the end I just took a hiatus from the situation.
I continued tumbling down the whore-filled rabbit hole and eventually realized when I stopped hitting him up, he did the same with me.
Did he pick up on my shallow attempts at getting to know him? Did he also have lukewarm feelings about me?
After all we spent most of our time talking about “gay” things and having sex, leaving me feeling left out of the conversation. As a defensive mechanism, I started to give him the “DC” treatment; only talking about my job, how much money I made and anything that would further separate us, spin us back around and crash into one another like two magnets playing a game of ‘chicken’.
I wrote this to say sorry “Gillette” for ignoring your feelings as a way of protecting myself. I want to own up the the fact that I was the one being a coward for not being open when you gave me the opportunity, and apologize for making you my “third beer” as Toni Morrison so eloquently put it:
“She (he) was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?”
In hindsight, I can own up to the fact that I was wrong and appreciate that after following up with him months later, we still keep in touch to this day.
I learned how to be direct, say what I mean and how I feel. It may have taken a few bites from that old bitch karma for me to realize I was wrong, but I’m glad we’ve managed to move past that and I’m proud to call you friend.
- CGN
No comments:
Post a Comment