Feeling upbeat and accomplished, I managed to let a picture on instagram and a song demoralize me.
I was scrolling through tons of selfies, ghetto memes and drunken outings when I saw someone I had a feelings for exchanging Christmas gifts with someone else. It was also that instant when the Foo Fighters classic, "Best of You" was playing on my computer.
Someone I took for granted at first, I started to fancy. Not to mention, I'm sitting at home....alone on a Saturday and they are exchanging Christmas gifts.
The irony.
For a little background, I'll tell you how I met "B".
It was my senior year of college, I had just gotten out of a tepid relationship a few months prior and was fucking in DC like it was nobody's business. Any and everybody I thought could get the dick was, and "B" was no exception.
I met him on adam4adam after he messaged me while over his friend's place about hooking up. HHe was staying down the street from my school so within minutes I was in the apartment with my clothes off. I was into his body, he was chocolate, muscular and calm about the encounter, so I was comfortable with him.
He was already stripped down to his jockstrap when I got there, I took no time whipping it out and getting a BJ. A few minutes later after trying to insert myself inside him (he was too tight for my taste) he starting groaning and exclaiming that I had a "monster cock" and couldn't take it.
We ended up doing foreplay until we climaxed and I was on my merry way.
But something about this exchange was different. I'm a firm believer in vibes and I got a good one from him.
We ended up connecting again a few months later, this time at his place in VA and that's when I knew he was special. I NEVER and I mean NEVVVEEERR went to Virginia for anything except a flight from Reagan and here I was traveling for some sex.
We had another failed hookup, but I noticed when I arrived that we had similar tastes in clothing from a quick glance into his closet, he had a similar german car like I did and just seemed to be a put together guy. I was hooked.
We started chatting on and off about work things, personal life and our backgrounds. We didn't see each other everyday or regularly at all, but when we were together (to me at least) the hookups left an impression on me and it felt like we had been around one another all along.
Its kind of like when you have an old friend that you haven't spoken to or seen in a while and when you get back together, its like nothing changed. Its a rare feeling that you just don't get with everyone, especially me, and there I was with it.
He was a great guy. He related to my similar struggles with sexing a lot and we reached a point last winter where I came over his house and we just "chilled" and I mean it in the real sense of the word. Ate dinner, talked, laughed. We even slept in the same bed and nothing happened.
It was the first time in a long time that I had let my guard down completely around someone and thought nothing of it.
It took almost a year from that day and those sporadic meetings to realize that I liked him. Hell, like. I like him a lot.
The confirmation of those feelings was a visit to him in October in a new city. We didn't have sex, we just hung out like before. But even though we had kept in touch while I was gone from DC, for me, the trip felt weird. There were uncomfortable silences that I never noticed before. I was just in my feelings for no apparent reason.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I left his place and headed back home feeling sort of empty. Like I needed closure. He was unknowingly draining my energy like Madison Montgomery was from Fiona Good on American Horror Story.
He was like the next supreme thing in my life and didn't know it. Shit he probably didn't care because I never said a word and he was basically dating someone else at that point.
I would call him "the one that got away", but I was such a cluster for most of this year and last year that it wouldn't have worked either way. I'm saying that because that's what I think, but not necessarily what I know.
Jazmine Sullivan wrote a song "Lions, Tigers and Bears" about being strong-willed in every arena with the exception of loving someone. Its frightening, its how I felt about telling him and now its too late.
I've got to work on expressing myself even when it feels weird. Its amazing how confident I can be when I'm stripping down in front of complete strangers, but the nakedness in telling someone you're interested scares me more than anything in the world.
He might've thought us fucking a couple times was me giving my all to our friendship, but he had so much more of me and never knew. I wonder why it took me so long to figure it out?
Tonight I could answer every line to that Foo Fighters anthem with "yeah', "hell yeah, "fuckin' right!" (no Drake voice.).
Somebody had really gotten the best of me.
The least I can do is be happy for him, after all he is still my friend. The lesson learned in it all is the next time I feel that unidentified force sucking the life out of me, I won't get tongue tied by insecurity and fear.
- CGN
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