20 Feet Tall

Last night was pretty awkward.

I stayed up too late watching American Horror Story, since I missed the first airing, then decided to eat a big ass bowl of Qdoba which gave me a strange sense of energy. In minutes I was horny, so I went on myvidster.

Bad idea.

The videos made me want sex. (I know…I know) I just hooked up last night (sort of), but the porn had me craving the real thing.

In the middle of watching bam bam fuck Lil’ Jody (where do they come up with these names?), I was interrupted with a text from a guy I used to hook up with I lived in DC. Feeling “festive”, I sent him a “feature film” in my phone and he responded by telling me he had sex earlier that day and was also watching porn.

Something about that exchange didn’t sit right with me.

I was frustrated that I was awake that late, upset that I couldn’t hookup and still horny; part of me was even angry. Angry about what though?

Then, while laying down in the dark, I took a trip down memory lane with a guy I’ll refer to as “baby face”.

I met him 3 years ago in DC while hunting for sex on adam4adam. He was cute, had a nice body,(that’s all that really matters at night right?) so of course I was down to fuck.

I drove to his house and the situation, as usual, felt a little awkward.

It was dark, the TV was on, we were having strange small talk without making eye contact with one another before going to his room where we….made out?

He started sucking me off and teasing me with foreplay, but refused to bottom.

WTF?! I thought. He knew what I was coming over for right?

Frustrated and slightly confused, I told him “I’d see him later” and got dressed to meet up with someone that was going to give me the “real deal”.

Something was different about him so that became the first time I followed through on one of my “I.O.U.’s” and looking back I don’t regret it.

He turned out to be a great guy.

I spent the next couple of times meeting up with him exclusively for sex, sometimes 1-on-1; sometimes more, but eventually we started talking.

He expressed to me that he was looking for more than sex, but due to the encounters we had time and time again, I just wasn’t interested. Its not that he isn’t or wasn’t a good guy, wasn’t attractive or didn’t have much to offer. He just gave it away to easily and met me at my darkest place.

Last night, I realized that me and “babyface” have more in common than the nights, days and mornings we spent fucking. We had the same sickness in the head that I haven’t been able to shake; the desire to cultivate more with someone when the initial contact was sex.

The treatment I dished out on him, unintentionally, brought the same karma back on myself with the same austerity.

What is up with gays looking for love in all the wrong places?

Why do we as a community feel like sex is something that can form a bond beyond the physical moment? Why does it work for some and not for others and, lastly, why do we want more from some people after sex than others?

For the life of me I could never understand him when he told me he liked me or I was “perfect”. It annoyed me and made me not want to be around him, which spaced our encounters months apart and kept my texts to him emotionally empty.

It wasn’t that he was a bad person or I wasn’t interested in him, he just reminded me of a side of myself that I hated. I couldn’t tear myself in two, but I could definitely avoid him. So I did it.

As painful as it may have been to him, I hope he can relate. I hope he can find the time to read this, digest it and understand my actions.  Realize that we both have to get off our knees after being knocked down and own the fact that we have so much more to offer than a one night stand. Badu said it best:

“My love what did I do
to make you fall so far from me?”

“And now I can recall
Cause of the fall selective memory”

“Then you, you built a wall
a 20 foot wall so I couldn’t see”

“But if I get off my off my knees
then I might recall I’m 20 feet tall”

You’re bigger than that “babyface”; you always were. If you can’t see it, at least look up to grab my hand so we can stand up together and support each other along the way.

-       -   CGN