Apple Tree

Last night started out as an innocent gathering for a new "friends" birthday. I showed up fashionably late after taking forever to get dressed and having to stop for gas for the umpteenth time this week.

Granted it was a house party, but seeing that I only knew two people there (the couple throwing the party who I met...well...let's just say we "know" each better than we know each other) I wanted to look presentable for once, so I took some time putting on clothes.

When I arrived, I was greeted by the boyfriend of the birthday guy and this guy I'd been chatting with on jack'd that I never followed through on hooking up with (one of those unsigned contracts) and the person I least expected to see, "J".

The second we made eye contact, my soul shuddered.

I was embarrassed, ashamed and a little angry for feeling the way I did. I think it was the fact I wrote about him and allowed myself to be vulnerable in my thoughts. Having someone I identified as a personal point of weakness in my face was a lot.

So I walked into a corner and sat in front of the TV playing Beyonce's latest videos not saying anything to anyone, pretending to be busy (what would we do without cell phones?).

The more social boyfriend, the versatile power bottom I've bred a few times, walked over and started to strike up small conversation.

I asked him who he knew in the room and he started naming people. When he got to "J" he said that was his "gay son".

I'm sorry...what?

Not only was that his "gay son", he said that I already knew him casually. I knew what that meant, but I tried to play it off. He smiled and told me that he knew because they talked about me. (what did they say? I never found out and not because I failed to ask).

So I grabbed another beer and began talking with a few guys in the room. That odd feeling of indifference that only gay men can emit when they are around one another was starting to wear down on my social abilities as the night went on, so I ended up talking to someone older (than me) and unattractive (to me).

I often find comfort in gay settings around the "ugly ducklings" and stragglers because I feel like they're the least judgemental. Usually coming to those gatherings alone because I'm "quasi-out", I also end up being an outcast in a way.

I'm starting to think me associating the shared solitude with "ugliness" is also why I perceive myself the same way. Oh well, maybe I need more exposure to purely social settings to figure out if that's the case.

As the night came to a close two things happened.

First, "J" approached me and explained why he was so cold towards me the night on Thanksgiving and something changed.

I humanized him.

We happen to work for the same company in different roles and him telling me he was acting like that because of the guy he brought, combined with the fact that an obviously promiscuous raw sex loving freak had taken him under his wing as his "gay son", made me look at him differently.

I suddenly felt like "J" was the way he is by nurture and that could change. I certainly won't be the Iyanla in his life, but I started to see.

Second, there was an attractive younger guy floating around the apartment the appeared to be alone. He was brought to my attention by a man in his early 30's that told me to "watch" my surroundings and "pay attention". I didn't know if he knew that I knew the couple from fucking them (he probably did, who didn't?) or if he was trying to be nosy, but it set an alarm off in my head.

I knew how this couple got down and I'm sure everyone in the room knew the same thing. Was he hinting that there was going to be some big orgy?

God NO, I thought.

I really came with the innocent intention of meeting people and celebrating a birthday.

Nonetheless, when the party cleared out and the last guy said bye, I noticed that the younger, chocolate guy was gone, but his shoes were there. The couple was also gone and their bedroom door was closed. I walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and knew I had a decision to make.

I was at a crossroads; fuck with the group or head home. The decision was in my hands, but in a way I felt like it wasn't.

I felt that if I left I'd be in someway ruining his birthday and ending this "relationship" as soon as I got it moving. Then if I stayed, they'd still view me as one of their "toys".

I knew that they had been doing this group thing for years. Hell almost every guy I've met here "knows" them; and I'm not talking from getting a cup of joe.

So I played it safe. I inched toward the bedroom door and to confirm what I knew they wanted, the door flung open as I reached for the handle. So I walked in and stripped.

The other younger guy was really hung (I'm talking long and thick, so I knew they'd love that. A real 9.5 inches on a ruler; so I knew they'd love that). I started letting him blow me while one of them was riding his dick. Then in the middle of my licking the ones nipples, I was tapped on my back to do the visitor.

I thought he was a top, but he was verse and had a great body so I dived in. All three of us fucked him and it was good. From being too drunk, my performance wasn't quite the same so I told them I had to pee. Then the unthinkable happened.

I knew the social boyfriend was freaky. We had exchanged xxx movies before and talked about what we were into , but nothing prepared for what happened next.

As I got up, the birthday boy said "get it baby" and just like that, he followed me to the bathroom and asked for some water sports play. (not to distract from the point of this post, I won't go into detail...let's just say I "filled" him up).

After everyone came with the exception of the "bday boy", I walked into the room after taking my "ho bath" and saw the three of them spooning together. I kind of wanted to join in, but I really had to get home. It was late and a snowstorm was coming, plus I wanted my bed.

So I got dressed in silence and was walked out by the boyfriend I'd piss played with.

The ride home was painful.

The feelings of disgust and personal failure came over me. I almost wanted to cry, but what for? I did this, why regret it?

The sex was good, but I felt like an outsider again. Like I exploited myself in the name of making "friends".

Then the Badu song, "Appletree" came on my shuffle and the lyrics spoke to me:

"See I picks my friends like I pick my fruit
& Ganny told me that when I was only a youth"

"I don't go 'round trying to be what I'm not
I don't waste my time trying ta get what you got"

"I work at pleasin' me cause I can't please you
and that's why I do what I do"


Then it hit me; that's not the only way to make friends and I shouldn't use sex as a catalyst for forming relationships. I have way more to offer.

Before having the foursome, I was talking to people and they seemed sort of receptive and that they liked me, so why do that? I had to find value in myself and choose wisely who I decided to make my "friends".

I thought of "J", the gay son that was a sex toy at some point and became a friend. Then probably the other countless people that slept with them and I decided that I am going to take a different road.

I made my first step down it this morning when I looked at my phone and saw a "let's chill" text from a "friend" and confidently said no thanks.

- CGN