Unpretty

Today I made some steps y'all.

I managed to not fall asleep in a two hour meeting at work, went to the gym two days in a row (I usually go every other day) and I helped my sister with a writing assignment for a class (lawwwd that girl needs Jesus).

But the biggest step in my personal life, gay world here, was completely editing my jack'd.

Late last night, I deleted my nudes and any picture showing abs or epidermis of any kind that isn't on my face. You read it right, I'm showing my face.

Boy did that get the guys going.

I had an old perve tell me, "I like the gallery..keep 'em comin" (UHHH blocked.)  A guy I smashed a few times tell me he liked my "grown and sexy" look. Then I got the attention of this boy I've been avoiding by just blocking at the sight of his messages for the past week, but he keeps coming back (he got multiple phones or...??)

Tonight he hit me with these messages:

"I want a relationship". Blocked.

"Cum thru". Blocked again. (How is he doing this? He must have a droid, Apple don't play that)

Then he set me the FUUUUCCK off by sending this:

(Ya'll see that vulguar ass disgusting picture he supposedly drew? PSYCH-O)

Instead of blocking him this time, I let that fool have it. (NO not in an ignorant, mean spirited way, I wasn't raised like that). But just being real.

I told him that he needs to talk to someone else because he's waaay too immature and he pulled the "its my pic isn't it?" card on me.

Really MF?!

He claims EVERYONE in the city is saying that he's not their type.

Still not having it, I told him to:

a) find somebody that isn't shallow b) have a description of what's he about/looking for on his page and c) have a damn pic SOMEWHERE

Now don't get me wrong, on an app like the visual can be appealing. And homie? Well...he wasn't hitting the mark. 

He's 22, his page said "watsup" in the about me  section (I hate shitty grammar and made up words). AND HIS picture he sent over....DEAR...GOD.

He's in dire need of a lineup, if he's going for the "natural" look like Lenny Kravitz it ain't working.  He had on unibomber glasses and needed some chapstick with a GOOD moisturizer for his face.

NO, its not his glasses (I've seen some sexy nerds and fucked a few guys with frames, including one last week). NO, its not his big lips (I love black men and have you seen Michael B. Jordan?). NO, its not his dark skin (ummm has this fool seen Dez Bryant? Reggie Bush? Serge Ibaka and my favorite "daddy aged:" guy Ray Lewis)?

Its the fact that he doesn't care enough about himself to say anything substantial and had the nerve to send that bold ass pic to me while downing himself the entire conversation. I was not here for it.

In the midst of me chastising him, I started to think about how I viewed myself at 22 or hell even some days now. 

I used to look at guys that I thought were "ideal" with ripped bodies, huge dicks and chiseled facial features and be afraid to pursue them because I lacked those things (except the face and dick part, a brotha is packin'...or at least I've been told by my 100+ sex partners).

All the men I found myself attracted to, physically at least, had features that I deemed as "qualities". That train of thought got me started to doubt myself and have lower self-esteem than I should have.

Even though I always have guys telling me I'm attractive, sexy, cute and a bunch of other ego-stroking adjectives, I never believed them because I didn't believe it myself. I even found myself lacking in areas beyond the physical when I pursued certain men while living in DC.

There was always someone making more money, had a newer car or nicer place and just seemed to have it altogether. (I never took into account those guys were older me; I was being a dick)

I realized that my interest in those people was just as shallow and pathetic as anyone else that believes they are better than someone else because they have "attractive" qualities.

 Even when I had the opportunity to meet, fuck, those type of guys it wasn't rewarding in the long run,  and they were just another notch in my belt that I thought would make me feel better about me.

But the sex with my "dream" guys never did it me; tt just dragged me further down the rabbit hole of personal inadequacy.

THE OTHER DAY a friend asked me why I fucked around so much, I told them that I felt like I wasn't attractive. What the hell is my problem?

Today it hit me that one component of the gay community that makes me want to run the other way is vanity. The sense of entitlement based upon the way we look and the quest for the approval of other people. 

Its like we, as gay men, ESPECIALLY GAY BLACK MEN, feel like we have something to prove. We have to be the smartest, the hottest and the highest paid guy because somewhere it makes up for the fact that we aren't comfortable being in our skin.

What we miss in the constant pursuit of "perfection" and creating this presentation to the outside world is the people that picked on us growing up and hate gay people will still never accept us. For an analogy I'll go to father Kanye, "Even if you in a benz, you still a nigga in a coupe."

We'll always be fags to people that see us as that so why bash each other and build walls when we can just be comfortable in our own skin?

Its what makes people "catfish" one another on these sites, make up things about themselves in person, take dozens of selfies for likes on social networks; the false sense of approval and acceptance. Its what made Framel on the MTV show, "Catfish", use some sculpted eyebrow having light skinned guy to get another dudes attention. Its sick.

I think everything happens for a reason and God works in ways we don't understand (I said this before). I think he sent that guy to me on jack'd that was bashing himself to make me realize that I had the same "ugly" feelings about myself and that its unacceptable.

I've come a long way from feeling like a frog, but I can't 100% say I feel like the Prince that I am when I look in the mirror. 

I'm quick to point out the fact that my abs don't look like Ushers', I get a pimple here or there and I'm not hung like Lexington Steele, but I've come to accept that its ok.

I am attractive, I AM smart and I DO have a lot to offer someone if I choose to use my energy to do so.  All of my "imperfections" make me who I am; quoting father 'Ye again, "Everything I'm not, made me everything I am."

So to all the guys out there that seek attention through social media or find self-validation in fucking hot guys (like I have and still do from time and time again), we'll never see what someone else sees in us until we see it for ourselves.

There will always be somebody with a tighter body (I'm not a pro-athlete), always someone taller and always someone with a bigger dick. That goes for everyone that finds a flaw within themselves, once you change something they'll always be something greater.

You have to appreciate yourself and love you at every stage of your life. If you choose to change something about yourself do it as a goal not an improvement.

To close I'll do a man remix of the TLC women's empower anthem 'Unpretty'.

"You can buy your hair if it won't grow (yasss queens)"
"you can post some pics if you want to (social media stars)"
"you can buy all the herbalife that the factory makes (I see ya'll selling it gym heads)"

"If you can't look inside you, find out who am I too. You'll be in a position to make you feel so damn unpretty... and I'll make you feel unpretty too."

And that my dudes is real. Night.

- CGN