As I approach day 5 of my "no sex" agreement, I thought I would find myself passing the time with porn. Since I'm not getting any, I could at least be wacking and jacking away to the latest flick on the internet somewhere.
But I find myself not doing it.
Was I just not in the mood over the weekend, too tired from the week or just lacking the time?
Truth is. Its became bigger than that for me and has been getting bigger for me for some time.
On Sunday in the middle of watching a movie over a friend's house, I got a text from a guy that "starred" in a film for a studio (I won't name) asking me how I've been. Since I've been great and have no complaints I echoed that sentiment through the text and asked him the same question.
"Just tryin to surive...I've been so much better but imma have to make it thru," was his response.
I was in a good mood and I wasn't sure if I was prepared to deal with someone else's tragedy at the moment, so I just left it at that and didn't respond.
I'll refer to this guy as "D".
I met him earlier this summer in a fit of hormone driven insanity. It was a late night and I text a "friend" about his plans (meaning who he was fuckin' for the night, and could I maybe join in). He told me he was going to a hotel room to hook up with a bottom that wanted a few tops to bang him out and I said I would join the fun.
When I got there, there was a mildly attractive guy on all fours giving a blowjob to an attractive brown skinned, well-endowed guy and the room smelled liked poppers (I HATE THOSE). It was 2 am and I didn't drive so I figured "what the hell", stripped down and joined in.
After we finished and were getting ready to the leave, the top that was there when we walked in asked if we could hang out some time.
Dammit, it happened again. Meeting someone from some bizarre fuckfest. Me being heavily into those sort of "situations", I gave him my number. He looked familiar, but I couldn't figure out from where.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, the guy asked me to come pick him up to go freak at some other guys house. UHHH NEGATIVE. I learned my lesson about that before....just thinking about it makes me sick.
So I said no. Besides...how did you get to the hotel? Somebody picked you up? You're almost 30, like wtf?
Instead of hooking up, I went online to jackoff and who do I see when I scroll to the second page? "D".
He did porn.
Now this isn't the first, or second (hell or 3rd), porn actor that I've slept with and found out after the fact (one of which I was privy to his line of work and pursued him anyway), but I started connecting some tragic life dots.
This man is in his late 20's, does porn, has no car, bounces from place to place and admires the XXX industry for...boosting him to "fame"?
His plight not only made the situations involving him more unappealing, it turned me off from the porn industry altogether.
Its a machine. An old, big grimy machine that has its cogs greased by young people seeking validation in their desperation. It takes everything from them and leaves them used, overworked and in the same tragic positions they entered it with if not worse.
I used to check out the blog, TLS, a ethnic porn centric blog that has castigating remarks from internet trolls about "stars" they don't know, but also don't like for whatever reason. Its like a hub for myvidster comments, some of which are funny, but the majority are sad.
Exposing people's secrets, their personal histories and for what? Just to say you know them?
The worst part about those trolls is that they are watching the porn FOR FREE!
They participate in the vile degradation of the actors by not paying and furthering their path into the industry and mocking them in the process.
Its sick.
I admit that I have watched myvidster, but not once have I written a comment. If I'm going to watch something for free, I'll appreciate it and keep it moving.
The comments however distracted me over and over, eventually, to the point I was turned off from it.
I ended up buying a seldomly used membership to porn site and canceled it a week later.
When I got that text from him, it reminded me that those actors are people. People that were taken advantage of and exploited with the promise of something more.
That my friends is something I cannot take part in.
When City High asked "What Would You Do?", I would have to go with NOT pursuing a job in that industry that leads to poverty, drugs, disease and escorting for so many, but I also won't judge them for their decisions, but I cannot support it any further.
Until then, keep the vines and homemade anonymous movies coming, I've come to like my smut with a little integrity behind it.
- CGN
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