Learning To Say NO

Tonight I fucked up.

If you count Sunday as the beginning of this week, then that makes two fuck ups and its only Tuesday.

Sunday I interrupted watching a movie with my sister to go have a threesome with a friend of mine. Unbeknownst to me, the botttom he invited over (who I had fucked before) brought ANOTHER bottom. (There goes my goal of keeping my "number" down). The "more the merrier" was the excuse I used to justify sleeping with both guys, so my friend and I took turns topping to tight bodied bottoms for over two hours.

I crept back in my house and my sister ironically asked me, "did you have a booty call? That was a long trip to CVS."

I brushed off the remar because I could sense the humor behind it, but she was completely oblivious to the fact that she was right.

What is my problem? Why didn't I turn that down?

Before I had time to let that set it, I had to slide off to bed to catch enough sleep for work the following morning.

Monday went by beautifully. I managed to get some work done,interviewed a source, hit the gym and had quality time watching a show with family. No harm, no foul.

Then today happened.

Oddly enough it started off as an innocent sort of routine Tuesday. I went to work, planned on hitting the gym and relaxing like Monday; but none of that happened.

I found out my aunt, who recently relocated for work, was in town for the day, so I had to go see her.  So no gym, just back in my car and over to visit family for a minute before a work out.

That also didn't happen.

I sat with my grandmother for nearly two hours before she showed up and was relaxing the whole time. She walked in with a bright smile and the energetic greeting she always has and things felt normal after a relatively mild Thanksgiving; I was glad to see her.

Not an hour after she was there, I was hit with deja vu.

In the exact same spot, I was in on Thanksgiving (on my aunt's couch), I got a text from my friend from Sunday night that had three pictures of a bottom we "had" to do tonight.

I was hesitant at first because my phone was dying and my aunt was only going to be here for a few hours, but like I did on Thanksgiving and Sunday night; I prioritized a hookup over something valuable.

So I went home to charge my phone and when I got there, I saw a text from my friend saying the bottom was playing games. (Are you shitting me? I could've stayed?!)

Annoyed, I said I understood and just continued talking to my friend out in the DMV, over the phone, about his issues dealing with a nutty guy. A few minutes later, we decided the hookup was on and I hopped in my "ho-mobile" and drove to the bottom's place.

When we walked in the door, the same familiar uncomfortable tension was in the air on the walk to the bedroom. It was dark, cold and distant, but we were here to do what we were going to do, so we had to make haste.

I tried to be friendly with the guy, but he rejected my initial icebreaker by telling me to strip. After seeing me nude he said, "oh great, just making sure." (Did you think I was going to be a catfish? you prick)

He then informed me he wasn't into oral of any kind and didn't bother getting physical with myself or my friend. We were just in 16 degree weather, walking through snow, your apartment is cold and you won't touch us? So ya'll can imagine what we looked like below the waist in those conditions.

So I made an attempt to start the mood, by tearing open the magnum wrapper and lubing him up. That's when he said, "that's way too much lube and your not hard enough to get it in."

Irritated, and still cold, I hopped up and let me friend open him up. Watching the silhouette of my friend's chocolate, lean body hump on his lighter plump ass, I got hard and took a dive in.

After a couple pumps, he told me "it hurt" and he moved to take me out of him. I knelt over him for a second puzzled before trying again. After trying to arch his back, he told me "I went too deep" so I hopped up and let my friend at him again; this time he rolled onto his back.

Moments after my friend dug him out on this back, I was ready to switch when he said "you're too big, I can't take anymore."

I was pissed.

I walked into his dirty bathroom without saying a word, took a "ho bath" in the sink and got dressed to leave.

After trying to salvage the situation with a few words about his background, that fell on deaf ears, we grabbed our "supplies" and left.

On the ride home I was infuriated. He wasted my time, my gas and couldn't even take dick; then it hit me.

It wasn't his fault that I did those things (except his poor bottoming skills), it was mine.

I had a choice to make and I decided to put sex over bonding with people that I cared about.

Thanksgiving, this past Sunday and tonight weren't my first times doing that either.

I remember being in college and showing up late to a friends birthday gathering because I wanted some ass. Last summer, I left a friend hanging for brunch because I was hooking up 10 miles away when I said I was "almost there". I even was almost late to my cousin's graduation this summer because I was too busy fucking two racist white guys with a top I didn't even know.

The bottom line is I need to learn to say no.

Sure I've made progress with this blog by not actively SEEKING sex, but that doesn't excuse engaging in it because its offered. Everything dangled in front of you isn't meant to be taken and everyone doesn't deserve to experience my body.

I've gotta find that value for myself.

If I don't I'll just stay on the hamster wheel of fucking over and over by making excuses for why the next time will be different.

- CGN