If you're a quasi-out gay man you've probably heard a variation of a name like this. Jay, J, Dee, D, DJ, RJ...whatever.
I've had so many contacts saved in my phones with the abbreviations and false identities of other "low-key", "quasi-out" or just flat out guarded and dishonest guys that I started naming them by the place I "found" them. (i.e. Jay - Jackd, RJ - from NE, Dee - from a4a and etc).
Every once in a while when I'm overwhelmed with disgust I go through and delete them from my phone in an effort to change. However, I find myself in a hormone driven fit feeling guilty about doing so. After all, how do I know when the carnal craving for flesh might take over and who will I sleep with?
This particular "J" is the top referenced in my first post "Doing it again..." from the thanksgiving night whore fest in the Hotel room I paid for.
I met him a little over a month and a half ago on Jack'd when he messaged me about hooking up. I was horny at work and he unlocked his pics and I thought he was pretty attractive. Tall, handsome, brown skinned, big dick, tight body, so I was game to link up. The only issue was we were both tops. So I hit up a bottom I'd slept with a few times to see if he didn't mind taking the both of us.
After a delayed response from him, I went on a frenzy searching for an alternative. For whatever reason the others were not working out. Either they were not "mobile" (driving), couldn't "host" (provide the fuck spot) or just weren't responding fast enough, but my guy finally hit me back. "J" approved of him after we exchanged a few pics, we got a room and took turns topping him.
After the encounter, I asked for "J"'s number, didn't care about his name, so we could keep in contact.
You're probably wondering why I wanted his number? Another top. And no it wasn't a secret desire to bottom for him or turn him out; believe it or not, I felt a connection with him. He seemed like a nice guy, he looked good, he was closer to my age and seemed like we could be cool.
Turns out it was me doing something that I've done countless times before. Feeling a false connection and creating a fairytale of possibility with someone who was just there to get a nut. I text him a few days later and got no response and I felt a strange sense of rejection.
Was he not interested? And why not? After all, I'm good looking, nice, I have it "together" right? Then I realized why I felt that way.
He filled a void of inadequacy in me.
Somewhere in my clouded head, I found him to be more attractive than me. His body was "nicer", his dick was "bigger", his skin was flawless and I felt that he had some things, physically, that I lacked and wanted to be around.
It was kind of like how girls befriend some people just based upon how they look. I wanted to get to know him based on the outer appearance.
Weeks went by and I said nothing. Wrote him off as a jerk trying to get a nut. Then out of the blue, he hit me up in a brash message on jack'd, even though he had my number (he saved it right?), asking when we could "fuck some ass again".
Feeling a sense of excitement and acceptance I told him soon.
Fast forward to tonight/last night, he came to the hotel room with his friend, who I cared less about seeing, but I didn't mind because "J" wanted him there. (The other guy was cute, but I knew nothing about him other than his general appearance.)
Then during the encounter I was virtually ignored by "J" and it hit me. This guy sucks. We want two different things.
I wanted a friend, he wanted a nut.
As I close this post about "J" I think back about the countless pretty faces, nicer bodies and bigger dicks I found myself infatuated with in the past and try to feel a sense of closure with myself.
I've gotta have better self-worth and more confidence and the real thing not a shell of it like a balloon that bursts itself when it reaches its capacity with air.
I still have his number, I probably won't delete it since I actually know his full name now.
But the next time a " Pretty J", "Big, long D" or sexy body hits me up and asks me to jump I'm going to starting why instead of how high.
-CGN
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