All By Myself

Its getting late, I've gotten a few things off my chest for the night, but it still feels heavy.  I think I've pinpointed why.

Tonight I left a family gathering to go satisfy a sexual urge that wasn't even there to keep a fake friendship together and now I'm back home...in my bed...by myself.

When I left the foursome, I was dropping the bottom I had just met and slept with off at home and trying to strike up conversation. He told me he knew the top, "J" I invited to help me out with him and that it was awkward for him.  It was awkward for me for reasons that were probably far too complex for him to understand and I would tell him. 

Apparently they met two years ago and had a "thing" going, in the gay community, a thing could be anything. I pretended to not know that they knew one another because I was being nosey ("J" told me he "knew" him, didn't say how, but that the bottom did porn). I even watched how J topped him while I ate the other attendees ass and it was ruthless, cold and distant. The whole situation left me with a bad taste in my mouth, but its what prompted my feelings of disgust and guilt this particular evening and my next actions.

After dropping the bottom, who's name also ironically starts with a "J", off at home I tried calling a friend of mine that didn't answer, an old hookup buddy that was at a family gathering (duh its Thanksgiving, idiot) and texting a slew of people that I could tell how I felt. I got no one. No one I could talk to.

One guy I'm awkwardly friends with from meeting at a threesome last year, or maybe the year before, that lives in DC responded. He tried to empathize with me at first, but then went on to say he was headed to a threesome, had a foursome this past Monday and is going to a sex party tomorrow.

I know what you're thinking. That shit cray. To me that shit is normal, hot actually, I'd probably join him if I were in the same state and town, but it didn't really address how I was feeling.

So I found myself talking to the only person that would listen, any random reader of this blog that might find this, make sense of this, have a suggestion and maybe hit me up with some advice. That's all I wanted.

Instead I'm all by myself at the moment. Which sucks in a frustrated single, black women angst sort of way, but is rewarding because if I weren't alone I wouldn't have started writing this blog. I've gotta start finding comfort in being alone and this might help me out.

-CGN