Doing It Again...

Its Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a great family, some really good friends and improving health.

What prompted me to start this blog and what has me up writing this post while listening to John Legend's "Again", is the same action(s) that keep me falling back into a sense of cold solitude and despair.

I was sitting over my grandmother's house laughing about a viral youtube video, Sharkeisha!, and watching a Thanksgiving day football game when I got a familiar phone call from an acquaintance from my past that I only communicated with in my horniest moments.  He called to ask me what I was doing (meaning was I interested in hooking up).  I lied saying I was playing cards and kept talking to family when I was interrupted by a message on a "social networking" app, Jack'd, from a guy asking to hookup.

Due to my twisted obligation to hook up with the guy that called me and my perverted sense of allegiance to someone that hardly knows me, I told the guy on the site that I was open to sleeping with him, sent my acquaintance a picture of him and we went to a hotel to took turns topping him.

In the middle of the encounter, I tried to be more intimate with my acquintance and the top, "J", and was shunned while he was paying attention to his guest who I had no clue he was inviting. Feelings of shame, guilt, anger, confusion filled me to the point of ad nauseum while I was topping the community bottom that hit me up on the app as I watched the other two play around.

When we finished the hookup, the two packed up and left me and the bottom from the app in the room. I sat on the bed for a moment half dressed as they walked out and he stood there with a perplexed look on his face.

The whole situation was awkward. The indiscretion that took place, the way people were interacting; it was un-natural.

I'm writing this to say that it wasn't my first experience doing that. I've done it countless times, with countless partners. Some I saw again, some I didn't. Some I've had a conversation with and some never told me their names.

The only constants in the equation are my imminent feelings of guilt and worthlessness after each encounter.

I don't know why I feel the way I do after each encounter or why I'm so drawn to the same destructive behaviors, but I'm starting this blog to take a walk down memory lane, revisit old encounters, recant old faces and figure out how I can break this cycle of pleasure and pain.

- CGN