Scared of Lonely

Yesterday was kind of a blah day.

I haven't written anything in a while, not because I haven't had sex, I had a 3some with two guys I already slept with (keeping my number down) on Sunday. I guess I was riding high from the holidays and recently got the "back to work blues".

Two days back and I just feel blah. I don't hate my job at all, but the combination of the shitty weather and the fact that I deleted jack'd might be it.

Saturday morning I woke up with one of those hangover hard-ons that just wouldn't go away. I got in late after a night out with this new guy that had tested my patience on a "date" (won't be seeing his ass again), but I was up like a spring chicken ready to tackle the frigid temperatures.

I went on jack'd, my favorite app of course, to hunt down some sex and since I knew very well what I was doing, I didn't feel bad about it. After a few minutes of scrolling through the same faces I see day in and day out, I realized I was done.

I deleted my pics, went into my phone browser and deleted it altogether. I had a feeling of accomplishment, but within in seconds it was eroded by a pit in my stomach.

What was I thinking?

I had gotten rid of something that was sucking up my attention, providing me with aimless brain damaging entertainment, but I also cut off my last link to the outside world of guys.

Sure I had fucked half of them and despite "reupholstering" and refining my profile the newbies I didn't meet did what they always did; ignored me or wanted to fuck. Still I felt like I lost something.

Today begins day two without it and I really feel like the walls are closing in on me. Waking up to no messages, my phone grabbing ritual came to a halt and my avenue to meeting guys is closed.

Will I never be able to have sex again?

I got an offer from the couple I banged out a few weeks ago yesterday, but I declined because I just wasn't feeling it (who knows who they'd bring to the group). Plus there was an impending blizzard.

So now I'm here going through withdrawal and its bad.

The only thing that made me feel better was facetiming with an old friend that lives in New York last night, but after talking for over an hour and our conversation started to come to a close....I got sad.

Then I wondered was it jack'd I was missing or the attention from guys? Some people are introverts so they could care less about interacting with another person, but I feed off of it. It makes me happy.

Now without it...I feel alone and to be honest, that's what scares me.

On the phone last night I got to take a trip down memory lane to when I paid $1,600 a month to live alone in DC, but after doing so I found myself filling the space with temporary visitors just for companionship. Turns out being "Mr. Independent", "don't need nobody" doesn't work for me AT ALL.

Some of the guys I fucked I thought were hot, others...I could've gone without, but I was all alone and that's all I knew that would draw people over.

Now away from that and with an even worse pool of guys to potential interact with..I'm lost.

*le sigh* what to do.

Any suggestions from guys out there that have gone through withdrawal?

I know your device is blocked for a month when you delete jack'd and it takes 3 weeks to break a habit, so...by February I'll be over it...maybe?

Until then...what to do? Barnes and Noble? Jack off? Homeland is off the air....I need help y'all.

- CGN