Computer Love

If this is strange to anyone reading it, forgive me its the first time I've done it.

I've written articles, press releases, scripts, intros to books, blog posts, tweets, facebook statuses, essays, but this is the first time I've written a letter.

I wasn't going to write this tonight because I have work in the morning, but if I don't write it I'll sit up with my mind racing and wondering what time it is out of fear that the light emitted from my iphone would further drain the time from my night of sleep.

So this letter is to my computer love, who happens to be this guy that I met on facebook maybe a month ago. Funny thing is, its felt like I've known him forever. So here it goes...

CL,

Even as I begin to write this I felt my pulse quicken and my breathe become shallow. Truth is, I'm not sure what to say. I'm so used to writing about people, places and things and writing to you even I talk to you almost everyday feels so much more personal.

I guess I want to start off by saying thank you.

Thank you for...well everything. For the time in what feels like forever, I feel I am somebody. When we first "met" I didn't see this coming. I entered that group with the expectation that I would see a bunch of pretentious old guys that love talking about themselves and to my elated disappointment, I was right.

Countless educated, self indulged single guys yapping about relationship problems from the predictable first person standpoint, because who else matters to them; then there was you.

I said something off the wall in the group on a post about relationship expectations and you caught me by surprise; you responded to me in complete thoughts. I know it sounds trivial, but it spoke volumes to me that someone didn't just write a blurb inserting their opinion on something I said, but you questioned me and believe it or not I "felt" a since of sincerity.

So I clicked on your profile and saw that you were older than I was, more educated and you lived in DC, so I summed you up. Figured that you were like the rest of them, some know-it-all asshole that just happened to have a way with words.

Then you surprised me again; you encouraged me to do something I thought I wanted to do.

On a post asking "what would you do if you were not afraid to fail?", I said that I would move to Brooklyn and become a writer. A few people liked it, and by a few I mean the usual suspects that were inboxing me asking why I was single and a plethora of other personal questions that do nothing, but turn me off.

Some of them were attractive, some were nice, but the truth is I'm not looking for relationship. All this time I've wasted sleeping around and attempting to meet guys was me searching for someone that I could open up to.

After you responded to my post saying that you "knew so much about me" and I asked you if you knew that it was me that writes this blog, I realized that the person I had been searching for was you.

In the few short weeks that I've gotten to know you, you've changed something in me. You told me early on a handful of times that you felt like you had a connection to me and that you liked me, but I shrugged it off as some strange infatuation with someone that you couldn't touch, but as time as elapsed I feel the the distance between us has been virually erased.

I realized tonight that the reason I feel so close to you is that I trust you.

You told me that you felt like you were falling in love with me in one of our daily facebook chats at work and I had to laugh because I defined love as a feeling of dependence on another person. That when you love someone, you feel like you cannot live without them. I told you that you just liked our conversation and lightly scorned you since you're involved with someone else.

I don't want to complicate this relationship by saying that I like you and I don't want to devalue it by saying that I love you because what I feel for you is greater and that is you've earned my trust.

I feel safe with you. Not just because you're far away from me and I can't act on any physical thing, but I feel like I can tell you anything about me and that you listen. You provide direction. You inspire me. The best part about it all is that you don't expect anything in return.

You've breathed life into me again. For so long, I was jaded by experiences with gay men in my past and put off by people that have lusted after and tried to corner me into situations that I didn't want, but you offered me a way out of that.

Even if you were to stop talking to me one day, block me from every form of communicating with you, what you've given me is so much greater than the idea of always having you; you taught me to trust.

In many ways, I feel like trust is greater than love because it allows me to be who I am at any moment. Technically you're still a stranger to me, but I've never felt so open with someone without thinking about being vulnerable, but open to learning and growth.

You're the water to my seed that helps me grow and the sunlight that helps me flourish.

It might sound crazy to you if you read this, like I know you will, but you're setting apart of me on fire. The flames of your honesty are burning my outer shell and instead of gasping for the air that is my sanity in this thing; I'm accepting what's happening.

Its like every love song I've ever heard starts to make sense when I think about the feelings that you're bringing out of me and even though you're 500 miles away, I feel like you're with me.

I don't want you to feel embarrassed about the way you feel or to complicate your situation, I just wanted to take a moment to thank you.

You're an amazing guy "CL" and you're going to make a great husband. I'm glad that I "met" you and I'm proud to call you friend.

- CGN