Back To Black

I've been feeling relatively uneasy lately and I've realized that there's something eating at the core of my being.

I find myself becoming detached from something that much of my early adult years fought internally to belong to; the gay community.

"Community" isn't even the word for such a group that is easily comprised of so many segregated subgroups, so I'll be more specific; the black gay community.

All of my life I have been privileged with access to virtually everything I wanted. If I wanted to go to a school, I went. If I wanted a job, I got it. If I wanted something material, I own it.

However, I find that reaching a level of acceptance in this dystopia of a group has been vexing at times, heartbreaking and a flat disappointment.

I deleted my gay networks a couple of weeks ago and tried going out to meet guys. When I arrived...the very people inside were the same ones that I had seen on jack'd, adam4adam and where ever else, and although we shared the same sexual interests and skin color, we were nothing alike.

There were men dancing to songs I don't like, wearing things I'd never wear and crammed into a small space where one could feel the eyes of judgement ripped through you at each step. "Is he new? Is he a top? Is he a bottom?"

Well guess what? I'm me. If you bothered to approach me instead of checking your phone to see if I was in your vicinity, you might have noticed.

I ended up leaving shortly after a man approached me and said I was "cute" before he asked what I was doing after I left.

Great...another hookup.

On the way home, I was flustered and walked inside feeling a sense of shame and isolation, then I realized that it may never work.

I downloaded jack'd again and find myself checking it with less frequency than before. I created another adam page and barely log in. I have a gay twitter account, which is separate from my current on, and find the topics of discussion to be pedestrian at best and lacking in any form of stimulation.

I found myself hating myself and the community again, then it hit me.  The reason I was feeling the way I do is because it isn't meant for me.

I'll always be a homosexual, I never had the urge to sleep with a woman, but that doesn't mean that I need to belong or connect with the people in my bedroom, car, motel, hotel, sex party or where ever else.

I've reached the point where I'm almost half way through my 20's and I've figured it out. I was great before I tried to understand this group and I will be great after I let it go.

When guys ask me what I'm looking for on jack'd, I say not a thing. The truth is, I'm not anymore. No more failed attempts at creating friendships that lead to potentially forced relationships. No more empty sex as a way to connect with others. I'm over it lol. And it feels beautiful.

I'll keep my jack'd in case I have an urge, I haven't had sex since mid-December (I'm losing my shit), but I don't even desire it anymore. I'm just that done.

I'll remain open to meeting people that I find appealing or that appear to have some character, but I'll have no issue telling them exactly how I feel about where I am in life and giving them the option to take it or leave it.

It sucks that I have to move my sexuality back into that dark place in my life and focus on the friendships that I have, my career, my family, but I have to live in a way that's true to myself, my spirit has to be in order and I have to be authentic.

I should've never had a green light for rampant sex, but instead had a yellow light for encounters and false friends. I don't the energy or the heart to create a red light for all of it because its still a part of who I am, so I'm just going to pull the plug and leave the lights out until someone stumbles over me in the dark and we strike up a light together.

- CGN