Over My Head

Hello,

If you read this blog or ever used to, it's evident that I took a hiatus from posting. It wasn't for any purpose other than I just didn't know what to write about. I hadn't lost my voice, but I sure spent a lot of time rethinking, over thinking and over analyzing what the impact of my words should be on a reader.

Unfortunately I did that to the point of paralysis and ended up letting tomorrow turn into next week, into next month and almost next year.

In my absence, I've had a couple of life changes. I moved across the country to what used to be the hub of gay progress, the San Francisco Bay Area, got a new job and reinvented what I wanted to be in a new place where I didn't know anyone.

In that process, I realized I was tired. Tired of exploiting myself for "followers" on x-rated social networks. Tired of having sex with strangers just so I could record it and share with other people that do the same on facebook/vine and every other channel that I know of. Just damn tired.

I can't say that all of that was in vain though; I "met" a couple of people that I was able to somewhat confide in about my situation in hopes of clarity and understanding.

I found myself opening up to complete strangers about my HIV status, issues with dating and overall disappoint with gay black life (from my experience anyway).

I found it easier to be vulnerable than it was to face the reality that people don't give a shit about what you have to say. Furthermore, when they do give a shit, because of different life experiences and backgrounds, they just don't fucking get it.

It's hella (yes I said it lol) frustrating!  Some days it feels isolating.

I can't say that my hiatus was all negative though. By changing just how my jackd page was presented, removing all sexual innuendo and nudes (yes even the "locked" pics) and removing my sexual position off of my page, I got a lot of people that were not looking to jump my bones.

To avoid inundating you with stories about each guy in this post, I just wanted to let you know I'm breathing, I'm back and I have some things to say.

- CGN

ESPN shows Michael Sam celebrating with tears and a kiss for his boyfriend (via Washington Post)

Congrats to Michael Sam. You know...the big, burly, fucked up hairline having football player from bumblefuck Texas that twirls in St. Louis gay bars and likes the poop shoot?

Well he's been drafted to the NFL after all! Check out him making out with his yt boo. Get it Sammy!

What's Love Got to Do With It?

"Oh baby, things are changin' now and I can't tell...
where we'll from here on out....ohhh its hell"

Yeah I know, its been a while, but hey I haven't had much to say.

Any who I'm back...I think lol. I was in the car earlier and this Gary Clark Jr. song was playing and it got me thinking about all the ways that I might myself have been changing; the new experiences, new feelings and new outlook I've had since starting this blog and growing in this city.

When I first started writing, I thought I knew everything about myself; that I was a slutty sack of shit with no self control that hated myself because I hate gays.

Well..turns out that's only partially true.

I don't hate gays and I'm not a sack of shit, but I am slutty; and to be perfectly honest, that's ok.

I've run into all these guys that have expressed an interest in me and tried to convince me why I was worth dating, attractive and etc. All the while I'd been rejecting their advances, not because they were bad people (PSA: NONE OF YOU ARE BAD PEOPLE).

I realised (feeling British) that I, CGN, had been lying to myself about what I really want and how I actually feel.

I've been defining myself by some greater moral standard and applying a code that doesn't work for me.

I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't see anything wrong with that. However, I'd been pretending it was impossible for me to get in one because of other people, when in fact, I've been the road block based on my own interests.

I read an article two years ago during Valentine's day in the Washington Post about how 1 in 3 Americans is living single and never finds the one. It may sound bleak to many people, but in my world. There's more to it than that.

I find myself being more honest with who I am and what I actually want that ever before and it makes me happy.

I started to analyze this one night I was on the phone with a guy that I care about, as a friend, and he mentioned that no one is interested in him and blah fucking blah.

Then I brought up some points.

I asked him:
1) What he's been doing interesting that would make him worth getting to know?
2) What type of people he likes and why?
3) What he hopes a relationship will bring to his life?

After telling me all superficial qualities of his perfect man (fit, not fat or fem, educated and a rigid sexual position) he told me someone he could share his life with.


I responded:

If your dick is longer than your resume, you shouldn't be concerned about dating.

If you haven't put a stamp on your passport or, hell, HAVE a passport; you shouldn't complain about being single.

Don't rob yourself from experiencing life. Have something to share before you want to share your life with someone else.

Outside of the gay bullshit, I'm a happy person. I love my family, I love my friends and my life experiences have been incredible; wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I don't need someone to complete me and I've been my own worst enemy when it comes to being unsure of who I am.

All my life I've been confident and dogmatic in my approach to living and by allowing other outside views to shape my world; I feel into a depression.

If it doesn't work for my world; quiet frankly, it doesn't work.

I don't have to change for anyone and you don't either. 

If love is what you're looking for at the  moment, I'm not knocking it, hell, I applaud you. I just challenge you to make sure that you're looking for it for the right reason, at the right time. If not, you'll do nothing but hurt yourself and someone else in the end.

- CGN

Somewhere I Belong

Sunday was a pivotal moment for me.

I was scrolling through vine, well vine stalking, this guy and I happened to see him and added him as a friend on kik (don't ask me why I still have it).

Turns out despite being a total sleezy, ass loving freak, he's a handsome, articulate normal guy.

We chatted for a few hours about life and sex, of course, and I decided that he was the coolest person I've met...well ever.

He not only was sure of himself, he has the world going for him and has fun living his life. I was so taken aback by his easygoing and confident nature that I started to question myself.

My feelings, my actions and my intentions when it comes to interacting with gays.

Time and time again guys have told me, "you get what you put out". So what I have nude pics, it's jackd. I'm not displaying my face for the professional lurking workforce to see, besides, even when I did I got the same horndog responses, IF NOT, more.

The worst was "what u into". TOP n***, can a profile get a read anymore? *kanye voice*

Back to the guy.

I was so intrigued by his vivacious sexual appetite and vouyerism that I asked him how he met all the guys in the videos he sent me. He said "facebook, instagram, xtube, vine etc". Basically all the networks I use.

The problem is my twitter, instagram and facebook are very tailored to who I am. The real me. The one that graduated college in four years with no student debt. The one that volunteers, hangs with friends that don't know my sexuality and travels the world.

I'm also a silly guy. I don't take shirtless pics and post thirst traps. Hell I don't even have a real following of gays.

So what did he do for me?

He dropped a secret bomb on me that changed my life; he told me there were secret XXX facebook groups.

I was stunned, but more so curious and embarrassed that I was bulging through my pants.

So I added him as a facebook friend and showed me a world that I never knew existed.

There were guys, like me. Young, attractive, driven and HORNY as all fuck. Posting videos of them freaking one on one, in groups and planning to meet up for hot sex.

I've never felt more at home in this community than I have this week...but I wonder...am I wrong?

Am I wrong for the perpetual lust? Wrong for wanting sex just to make videos and hang with these people? Am I walking into another vacuum of emotional disappointment?

Maybe. The truth is I don't know, but I want to try this thing.

I immediately though of a hookup when I was interning in New York with this Columbia grad student, Sean, Shawn or whatever, who was my age now when I was a precious 20 years old.

He told me that by his age, 23/24, your hormones slow and its natural to be hot in the pants at a young age Awww I miss him...I just sucked his dick because it was long and he was nice, but whatever, it was fun.

I got to thinking, I'm that age now and PASSING it as the days go by and I'm as horny as ever. Will it end? When do I start to change?

I guess time will tell. Until then, I'm about to check my "other" facebook.

- CGN

Numb

Sigh....I've been busy since I last posted.

Work has been productive, I've been interviewing for new jobs and I'm PRAYING I land one (GOD if you're listening or reading, please forgive and save me). Even my romantic life has seen some sparks this third week of the month of love.

First I reconnected with "JC" over drinks on Wednesday night and yesterday I went out twice. Once to an off the wall but really cool outdoorsy date with this guy I met last summer while running. The second was with this little lamb that's been asking to spend time with me.

However, the dates weren't the beginning of me going back to being an active homo. I hadn't had sex since December and it all ended Tuesday after a hookup with a guy I smashed last year.

It was hardly romantic. I walked in, he was smoking, had a blue light on in his room, got on all fours and took a pounding from the back, on his back, the side and froggy style before swallowing me.

Sex #2 was a hookup after work Friday. Never met, don't even know his name, I had a hard-on on the way home from work and stopped at his place for some doggystyle play.

Then there was this Sunday funday. I was relaxing when the couple I messed with last December in their party invited me over for yet another menage trios.

I was feeling good, confident in most of my decisions until I talked to this guy about what I did. He didn't slut sham me, but told me I was playing russian roulette once again and there was nothing I could say.

The truth is I wanted to distance myself and dabble in what I was used to do...but that just sucks.  I feel myself becoming paralyzed by my confusion, conscious of my decisions and lust..yet disappointed in my actions.

I feel like a balloon that reaches its capacity with helium where the softest touch emits the loudest and most annoying sound. I'm holding too much in and its numbing. I've made plans for some dates this week and I'm going to take things one day at a time...last night I saw something and it left an indelible mark on me...I'll have to write about that later.

- CGN

We Don't Need Another "Hero"

Michael Sam.

I don't need to link to it. You can google the name if you've been living under some sort of rock. So this is where we are as a group. Fighting for marriage equality (well the elite gays that benefit are at least) and having gay "heroes" pop up to let the world know that we exist.

Yay. Whoo...hoo.

"I may be goin' ta hell in yo eyes, I may be broke, Beyonce may neva write a song about me, but dammit we HERE!"

Thank you for the monologue of homo triumph, but let's talk about the ugly side of things.

I read an article about former, now jailed, porn star Mike Dozier, fucking a 14 year old and supposedly not informing the minor of his HIV positive status.

Let's break this shit down point by point:

1) We have a 14 year-old on jack'd flirting with an attractive 33 year-old and either soliciting sex OR accepting a sexual solicitation.

2) We have a 33 year-old man that supports himself by defiling himself on camera with presumably no retirement options or health care coverage, if he has any now, after he ends his career.

3) The adult is HIV positive, the minor allegedly was not.

4 They had sex and now its a problem.

Well I hate to break it to you folks, but it was a problem at number 1.

Why on earth would a 14 year-old be on jack'd, a "social network for gays" (don't get me started on that shit) be flirting with a 33 year-old?

I'm not shaming the victim or excusing the adult, but let's examine this, why?

My issue with the gay right's "movement" other than comparing itself to the "black rights struggle" is the ridiculous and contradictory nature of it. We consider milestones famous, rich and people with access coming out.

The politics behind this is to show people that are closeted its "ok to be gay" and you are not alone. Existence is a form a resistance..what the fuck ever.

Then when people come out, what's next? Do we magically find other gays that are relationship oriented and live happily ever after? Do we form a strong community that is loving, non-discriminatory or exploitative for societal advancement?

Novel ideas, but they aren't reality.

The reality is, we bring people into another place where they are ostracized, alienated and just as vulnerable as they were when they were in the closet.

Take this 14 year-old and substitute him with any other young boy on jack'd, BGC, a4a, scruff, grindr or whatever else that is posting pictures of his face and noticing that those people get looked over. Not only that; he, because of his age and horniness, is drawn to the scores of shirtless and nude profiles competing for the same number of limited eyes.

Its simply human processing, the eye goes for what it finds attractive. In our community, that's dick, ass and abs. All else and I mean also is secondary.

I don't know the kid's story, but say he had his face up and nude private pics and he showed them to this porn star. I'm sure the XXX actor didn't have "I'm looking for a long lasting love" on his page, and they decided to hook up after exchanging their pics.

The boy already lied about his age because of the app's requirement to be 18, but Apple says people have to be 17 to download it (huh? another post, another time). So they fucked.

What would make a young boy do that?

Well we have programmed gay people to show one another what we value. Not your face, your accomplishments, but your body.

So we place mental traps for young people early on that tell them what's important, we have defined our lifestyle with sex. If you disagree, google a black pride or any pride and tell me what you see. Nudity, parties that invite "celebrities" from the adult world and well known sexual gatherings.

If we truly want an AIDS free generation we have to change our focus from sex. Instead of congratulating Jason Collins for coming out or Michael Sam, why not spotlight orgs fighting the virus? Oh...it only affects young blacks and latinos...duh how could I forget?

If we want to set a good example for young people, give them an outlet. Why can't GLAAD pay for the development of an app that is geared toward teens, sponsor teen workshops on safe sex and boosting our self esteem?

We ignore the fact that people that don't have the "big dick", are hung or have great abs just don't feel attractive. Even if they have those things, that's all they feel makes them valuable as gay men and women.  Empower people instead of making them feel alienated for not taking shirtless selfies that say "good morning" on instagram to get likes.

If we don't act so, we'll just perpetuate the cycle of using the same oppressive tactics men use against women to make them feel less valuable when they use things other than their minds to attract people and further dilute the cause for real "progress".

I wrote about secluding myself in a prior post and shit like this is why. We admire all the wrong things and hope them on a pedestal while so many of us are alienated and suffer.

I don't know man...it'd be a beautiful day when the word gay actually held its meaning when describing our people.

- CGN

Back To Black

I've been feeling relatively uneasy lately and I've realized that there's something eating at the core of my being.

I find myself becoming detached from something that much of my early adult years fought internally to belong to; the gay community.

"Community" isn't even the word for such a group that is easily comprised of so many segregated subgroups, so I'll be more specific; the black gay community.

All of my life I have been privileged with access to virtually everything I wanted. If I wanted to go to a school, I went. If I wanted a job, I got it. If I wanted something material, I own it.

However, I find that reaching a level of acceptance in this dystopia of a group has been vexing at times, heartbreaking and a flat disappointment.

I deleted my gay networks a couple of weeks ago and tried going out to meet guys. When I arrived...the very people inside were the same ones that I had seen on jack'd, adam4adam and where ever else, and although we shared the same sexual interests and skin color, we were nothing alike.

There were men dancing to songs I don't like, wearing things I'd never wear and crammed into a small space where one could feel the eyes of judgement ripped through you at each step. "Is he new? Is he a top? Is he a bottom?"

Well guess what? I'm me. If you bothered to approach me instead of checking your phone to see if I was in your vicinity, you might have noticed.

I ended up leaving shortly after a man approached me and said I was "cute" before he asked what I was doing after I left.

Great...another hookup.

On the way home, I was flustered and walked inside feeling a sense of shame and isolation, then I realized that it may never work.

I downloaded jack'd again and find myself checking it with less frequency than before. I created another adam page and barely log in. I have a gay twitter account, which is separate from my current on, and find the topics of discussion to be pedestrian at best and lacking in any form of stimulation.

I found myself hating myself and the community again, then it hit me.  The reason I was feeling the way I do is because it isn't meant for me.

I'll always be a homosexual, I never had the urge to sleep with a woman, but that doesn't mean that I need to belong or connect with the people in my bedroom, car, motel, hotel, sex party or where ever else.

I've reached the point where I'm almost half way through my 20's and I've figured it out. I was great before I tried to understand this group and I will be great after I let it go.

When guys ask me what I'm looking for on jack'd, I say not a thing. The truth is, I'm not anymore. No more failed attempts at creating friendships that lead to potentially forced relationships. No more empty sex as a way to connect with others. I'm over it lol. And it feels beautiful.

I'll keep my jack'd in case I have an urge, I haven't had sex since mid-December (I'm losing my shit), but I don't even desire it anymore. I'm just that done.

I'll remain open to meeting people that I find appealing or that appear to have some character, but I'll have no issue telling them exactly how I feel about where I am in life and giving them the option to take it or leave it.

It sucks that I have to move my sexuality back into that dark place in my life and focus on the friendships that I have, my career, my family, but I have to live in a way that's true to myself, my spirit has to be in order and I have to be authentic.

I should've never had a green light for rampant sex, but instead had a yellow light for encounters and false friends. I don't the energy or the heart to create a red light for all of it because its still a part of who I am, so I'm just going to pull the plug and leave the lights out until someone stumbles over me in the dark and we strike up a light together.

- CGN