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Sigh....I've been busy since I last posted.

Work has been productive, I've been interviewing for new jobs and I'm PRAYING I land one (GOD if you're listening or reading, please forgive and save me). Even my romantic life has seen some sparks this third week of the month of love.

First I reconnected with "JC" over drinks on Wednesday night and yesterday I went out twice. Once to an off the wall but really cool outdoorsy date with this guy I met last summer while running. The second was with this little lamb that's been asking to spend time with me.

However, the dates weren't the beginning of me going back to being an active homo. I hadn't had sex since December and it all ended Tuesday after a hookup with a guy I smashed last year.

It was hardly romantic. I walked in, he was smoking, had a blue light on in his room, got on all fours and took a pounding from the back, on his back, the side and froggy style before swallowing me.

Sex #2 was a hookup after work Friday. Never met, don't even know his name, I had a hard-on on the way home from work and stopped at his place for some doggystyle play.

Then there was this Sunday funday. I was relaxing when the couple I messed with last December in their party invited me over for yet another menage trios.

I was feeling good, confident in most of my decisions until I talked to this guy about what I did. He didn't slut sham me, but told me I was playing russian roulette once again and there was nothing I could say.

The truth is I wanted to distance myself and dabble in what I was used to do...but that just sucks.  I feel myself becoming paralyzed by my confusion, conscious of my decisions and lust..yet disappointed in my actions.

I feel like a balloon that reaches its capacity with helium where the softest touch emits the loudest and most annoying sound. I'm holding too much in and its numbing. I've made plans for some dates this week and I'm going to take things one day at a time...last night I saw something and it left an indelible mark on me...I'll have to write about that later.

- CGN