Over My Head

Hello,

If you read this blog or ever used to, it's evident that I took a hiatus from posting. It wasn't for any purpose other than I just didn't know what to write about. I hadn't lost my voice, but I sure spent a lot of time rethinking, over thinking and over analyzing what the impact of my words should be on a reader.

Unfortunately I did that to the point of paralysis and ended up letting tomorrow turn into next week, into next month and almost next year.

In my absence, I've had a couple of life changes. I moved across the country to what used to be the hub of gay progress, the San Francisco Bay Area, got a new job and reinvented what I wanted to be in a new place where I didn't know anyone.

In that process, I realized I was tired. Tired of exploiting myself for "followers" on x-rated social networks. Tired of having sex with strangers just so I could record it and share with other people that do the same on facebook/vine and every other channel that I know of. Just damn tired.

I can't say that all of that was in vain though; I "met" a couple of people that I was able to somewhat confide in about my situation in hopes of clarity and understanding.

I found myself opening up to complete strangers about my HIV status, issues with dating and overall disappoint with gay black life (from my experience anyway).

I found it easier to be vulnerable than it was to face the reality that people don't give a shit about what you have to say. Furthermore, when they do give a shit, because of different life experiences and backgrounds, they just don't fucking get it.

It's hella (yes I said it lol) frustrating!  Some days it feels isolating.

I can't say that my hiatus was all negative though. By changing just how my jackd page was presented, removing all sexual innuendo and nudes (yes even the "locked" pics) and removing my sexual position off of my page, I got a lot of people that were not looking to jump my bones.

To avoid inundating you with stories about each guy in this post, I just wanted to let you know I'm breathing, I'm back and I have some things to say.

- CGN